The Wong Boys @ CMW 2009

Background / Composition:
You know The Lonely Island's "Jizz In My Pants" video? Well, imagine making it 80 per cent more serious (and 100 per cent less premature — these nasty boys are clearly more experienced and in control), adding a good dose of Peaches-style electro smut and finishing it off with a touch of the nihilists from The Big Lebowski. That's kind of what you get with this ridiculous but thoroughly fascinating and entertaining Danish duo.

Grade: 85

Comment:
Their short set was more of a grower than a shower. Things started out fairly slowly, with a better-in-theory song about having the heart of a wolf, but by the time the boys launched into their absurd opus, "Git Ur Fuk On," the sweaty hipsters of Parkdale and other misfits, potential perverts and ne'er-do-wells were firmly seduced and shimmying in their skinny jeans.

Achievement of Rock 'n' Roll Expectations
80-100: Exceeds skill and knowledge expectations, i.e. rocked us so hard we peed our pants.
70-79: Achieves required skills and knowledge. Meets rock 'n' roll standard.
60-69: Demonstrates some skills. Approaches rock 'n' roll standard.
50-59: Demonstrates some required skills and knowledge in a limited way.
00-50: Has not demonstrated required skills or knowledge.

Learning Skills: E=Excellent, G=Good, S=Satisfactory, N=Sad Really

Oral And Visual Communication
Eye Contact: G
Pronunciation: G
Stage Presence: E
Stage Banter: G
Image: E
Appearance: E
Use Of Stage: E

Strengths/Weaknesses/Next Step:
Prolifically-bearded singer Frank Ziyanak's banter was generally short, peculiar and oddly peppered with Cindy Lauper lyrics. In most scenarios, that would probably merit a poor grade, but in the context of the greater Wong presentation, it was actually quite appropriate. What really took their set to the next level, though, was Stefan Kvamm's dancing. Part Festrunk Brothers, part seizure, his Eurotrash paroxysms truly owned the stage.

Musical Analysis
Level Of Participation: G
Problem Solving: G
Teamwork: E
Work Habits: E
Organization: E
Audience Participation: G
Sound: E
Composition: E
Songs: E

Strengths/Weaknesses/Next Step:
As insidiously catchy as it is ludicrous, "Git Ur Fuk On" truly has the makings of a novelty hit. While none of the band's other material equals the idiotic genius of that song, other tunes like "TFD," an ode to "nasty girls" that urges you to "throw your hands in the air, wave your underwear," and the band's over-the-top "Anthem" are enough to keep you dancing and laughing. On the audience participation front, "TFD" did elicit plenty of thrown hands in the air at Wrongbar, but sadly fell short of producing any underwear-waving.

Other Skills And Areas Of Interest
Charisma: E
Problem Solving: G
Teamwork: E
Sexiness: E
Haircut: E
Indie Rock Footwear: G
Nods To Disposible Fashion: E
Cool Equipment: G
Level Of Inebriation: G
Actual Ability: E

Strengths/Weaknesses/Next Step:
For their grand finale, The Wong Boys announced, somewhat enigmatically, "We brought a guy with us." Suddenly, a man leapt onstage and began dancing with the duo. It soon became apparent that no simple introduction could have prepared the audience for this event. With his bare, beer-glazed chest peeking through his open leather jacket, this Rob Halford/Karl Hungus hybrid writhed around the stage, chugging from the beer bottle he held firmly with the aid of his black leather gloves. It was as if the essence of everything The Wong Boys stand for was distilled into a living, breathing, ass-shaking, beer-bathing human being.