Weezer — Weezer

Dear Weezer,

Why do you feel the need to keep insulting me album after album? I guess it's my fault for holding out hope that you'll return to the genius of your first self-titled album, the good ol' Blue Album, and your true bleeding heart gem, Pinkerton. You've been going astray for so long, and yet us diehards have stuck by your side, waiting patiently for you to write the songs we know you're damn well capable of. But I finally have to end this masochistic relationship. This Red Album started out as a tease. Although you guys look entirely ridiculous on the cover, it reminded me of the Blue Album more than ever, and that "Pork And Beans" song had all those crunchy guitars, catchy hooks and fun lyrics I remembered so well. But then you just break my heart even more. I mean, 2005's Make Believe was pretty terrible. It couldn't get any worse, right? Wrong. "The Greatest Man That Ever Lived (Variations On A Shaker Hymn)" is interesting in premise, but entirely shoddy in execution, and "Heart Songs" is an absurd list of shout-outs. Rivers, you've sunk so far down that even songs from your bandmates can't save you. In closing, please stop sucking.

Love,

Jen White