Coachella Is For The Beautiful People

Every year I look at the Coachella lineup and wish I was going, so I finally caved this year and did it. In some ways, I'm glad I did it the once. At least this way I'm not curious anymore. But that's one of the only good things I can say about the fest, which pointlessly expanded to three days this time around.

It's not hard to figure out why Coachella has become the biggest music buzz event on the planet outside South By Southwest. The artists and celebrity hangers-on love it. They get to stay in luxury hotels, go to major after parties, get tons of free swag — in essence, it's young Hollywood's social event of the spring. Ask Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton what they thought and I'm sure you won't hear a single negative. But here's what I'm guessing they were oblivious to between Jager bombs:

Constant, sweltering heat: The temperatures hovered just over the 38-degree mark on all three days, making it impossible to comfortably enjoy any band early in the day. In fact, by day two we — and I'm guessing many others — realized it was simply unfeasible to endure the early part of the afternoon and not be exhausted by nighttime. They should change the name from Coachella to Skin Cancer Orgy.

The backloaded schedule: While the early part of the day featured plenty of bands you would never want to see in sweltering, ungodly heat, the night sked often stacked two or three good or great bands opposite one another, making it completely impossible to catch some of the best acts.

Stage placement: Probably my biggest complaint outside the heat. The sound from the massive Coachella stage carried across most of the park, so if you were forced to the outside of a smaller tent for an anticipated set (Amy Winehouse or Peter Bjorn & John), the sound bleed from the bigger act made the smaller one hard to enjoy. Worse, there was a dome in the centre of the all the stages that featured DJs who could be heard from almost anywhere in the park. Thanks for ruining Arcade Fire, assholes!

Stage heights: Unless you were in the first couple of rows at any set, meaning you were probably sweating like a pig, squished against your nine nearest new friends, the stages were practically impossible to see within the 10-25 metre range. We were often forced to watch a mile from the Coachella stage just so we could get a decent view of it.

Day three: I ended up skipping the third day entirely, because its inclusion was pointless to everyone except Rage Against The Machine fans. There were perhaps four or five bands really worth seeing on Sunday. And given that CSS and Tapes N' Tapes will both play Toronto soon, and Lily Allen and Grizzly Bear were just here, it just wasn't worth it. I'd have liked to see Air (who I hear were awful) and Rage (who I hear were great), but I've seen them both before, and Willie Nelson and Crowded House aren't what I'd consider big draws, so I didn't feel bad about not dying in the heat for a third consecutive day.

Parking: The festival has been on for how many years and they can't find a way to get people off the premises in less than an hour-and-a-half? Utterly pathetic.

That said, some bands and artists played, and a bunch of them are worth mentioning. Here's a rundown of what was worth the money:

Comedians Of Comedy
An offbeat comedy show in the early, desert afternoon seemed like a bit of a fish-out-of-water proposal, but Patton Oswalt's gamble paid off. I caught Maria Bamford, Zack Galafianakis and Brian Posehn, all of whose humour seemed even more absurd than usual in a tent full of sweaty kids. I'd also like to point out that the audience gave a standing ovation when Galafianakis held up a sign that said "KILL DANE COOK" at the conclusion of his set.

Of Montreal
One of the first good bands of the festival, their translation of the so-so material on Hissing Fauna, Are You The Destroyer to the live setting was extremely satisfying. They played very little old material, but the new songs are so strong live that it didn't really matter.

Jesus And Mary Chain
The brothers Reid might have been the best band of the festival, period. Fans faithfully sang the words to most of their songs, excluding a new track that held up wonderfully with the old material. The performance also featured a particularly baffling appearance by Scarlett Johansson, who sang quietly on the chorus of "Just Like Honey." Anyone who thought there was tension between Jim and William Reid — who didn't look at each other once the whole night — might be interested to know they ate breakfast together in our hotel the next morning.

Jarvis Cocker
I only saw Cocker do three songs since I'm not familiar with the new album and knew there were no Pulp tunes forthcoming. But what I did hear convinced me I had to hear the Jarvis LP immediately. Pulp put on one of the best shows I've ever seen, and Cocker is still going above and beyond to put on performances that'll have fans dropping their jaws in awe.

Interpol
The New York kids played the same set list they performed on their small Canadian club tour over the last couple of weeks. Given how long they've been off stages, it's amazing how tight they are so early in their touring schedule. The set began with new album opener "Pioneer," a brooding slow burner that features a stunning breakdown where Paul Banks sings without instrumental backing. Two other new songs, "Mammoth" and "The Heinrich Maneuver," were more in the vein of "Slow Hands," the track that received the loudest applause of the performance. As long as they alter the set at some point, Interpol are a force to be reckoned with this year.

Bjork
The Icelandic queen was hit and miss. "Earth Intruders," from the upcoming Volta, sounded muddy. But the rest of the songs, which included several reworked cuts from Homogenic and Medulla, were more effective. Instead of strings, Bjork is employing an all-female choir who play horns. The brass amply supplemented the string moments on "Joga" and "Hunter," and saved "Pleasure Is All Mine" and "Oceania" from some poorly employed synthesizers. The show also featured spectacularly weird visuals on the big screens, something for fans to look forward to as her tour rolls through one festival after another this summer.

Gogol Bordello
I caught the tail end of the gypsy punk group's bombastic performance, which featured Underdog World Strike classics "60 Revolutions" and "Start Wearing Purple." This was one of the only smaller groups I saw whose show translated perfectly to the festival stage. And trust me, they won't be small much longer.

Peter Bjorn & John
The Swedes packed the Mojave Tent late Saturday afternoon, and the crowd went positively insane for "Young Folks," which featured Shout Out Louds vocalist Bebban Stenborg singing Concretes singer Victoria Bergsman's part. Considering the universal love for the band's Writer's Block record, it was hardly surprising that the audience lapped up every noisy guitar riff and whistled intro.

Kings Of Leon
I hate to admit it, but I like the Followill family's Because Of The Times album. I can't shake it. It's just not bad, which is what I consider the rest of their output to be. Accordingly, the group's performance was soaked in that record's dirty rock, and it was the perfect soundtrack to the hazy sun setting over the mountains.

Arcade Fire
Despite sound problems aplenty — the aforementioned dance dome, the washed-out sound from the secondary speakers, Ghostface Killah's pounding beats on the second stage — the group's set was one of Coachella's best. In addition to stellar takes on Neon Bible hits "Intervention" and "Keep The Car Running," there was plenty of Funeral material, including "Neighbourhood #2 (Laika)" and the always haunting mashup of "Neighbourhood #3 (Power Out)" and "Rebellion (Lies)." Win Butler sounds fully recovered from his sinus surgery that the band cancelled their European tour for. By the end of "No Cars Go," any one of the few in the crowd who hadn't been converted were likely on their way to buy T-shirts.

LCD Soundsystem
James Murphy's group turned the Sahara tent into a dance party in roughly three seconds. The crowd was so ready to sweat it out that Murphy probably could have just DJed his tunes and they would have gone crazy. But the songs themselves, which leaned heavily on this year's Sound Of Silver, were loud and fantastic. Plus, seeing "Daft Punk Is Playing At My House" with a rave-ready crowd is a sight to behold.

The Rapture
Other than Peter Bjorn & John and Gogol Bordello, hands down the most exciting band to watch over the two days. As if watching the group literally segue Mattie Safer and Gabe Andruzzi's DJ set into "Out Of The Races And Onto The Tracks" wasn't impressive enough, they performed tunes from both of their full-lengths with power and clarity, something most of the tent sets at the festival lacked. Every time I catch The Rapture, I'm more and more convinced they're one of the best groups working today. Add to the performance a mind-boggling video display that will hopefully be repeated when they open for Daft Punk later this year, and this was a near perfect display.

Now, just for the fun of it, here are a few of the acts who didn't live up to their billing:

The Good, The Bad And The Queen
Positively awful. By the time I got there, only a handful of people were still watching the self-indulgent meanderings of Damon Albarn, Paul Simonon, Simon Tong and Tony Allen. Add this to that the fact they were DROWNED by Tiesto's unstoppable house beatdown, and TGTB&TQ are a side project that should fade quickly into the sunset.

Arctic Monkeys
The group were actually pretty good, and way more energetic than they were when I saw them open for Oasis last year. I don't find Your Favourite Worst Nightmare nearly as annoying as Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not. The problem was that the day one crowd hadn't figured out the "it's best to show up after 4 p.m." thing and was exhausted. That sucked the life out of what should have been a triumphant set. People mustered the energy to sing along to the hits from Whatever People Say I Am, but even the band pointed out how tired everyone looked.

Blonde Redhead
They're always compelling on record, but boring live. Not much else to say about that.

Tilly And The Wall
Cute for five seconds, annoying thereafter.

Amy Winehouse
Hey Coachella, she's the biggest train wreck/starlet in British music this year, and yet you can't afford her a spot on one of the outdoor stages? Considering she packed the tent and I couldn't hear her from outside, that sucked. I'm not really knocking Winehouse, just the festival for making yet another error in planning. So farewell Coachella, we were short-lived bedfellows. If I return to the desert at any point in the near future, it will be to enjoy the pools and evening air, not to grudgingly find ways to minimally enjoy the groups I would go to see at the festival. To anyone considering it in the future, I recommend taking a pass in favour of one of the other 200 worldwide fests that have better locales and organization. Let the celebrities enjoy their party in peace.