The Statutory Apes @ CMW 2006

Hometown: Kitchener-Waterloo, ON

Background/Composition: A pair of crazed punks churn out well-costumed, drum-free, fuzzed-out almost-songs.

Grade: 60

Comment: These boys look great, but we're still not too sure what to think about their chuggy songs about nuclear wars and horror films — when we could make them out. The Statutory Apes are one of the last true funny/terrible bands, and your enjoyment of them really depends on where your sense of humour lies on the irony spectrum.

Achievement of Rock 'n' Roll Expectations
80-100: Exceeds skill and knowledge expectations, i.e. rocked us so hard we peed our pants.
70-79: Achieves required skills and knowledge. Meets rock 'n' roll standard.
60-69: Demonstrates some skills. Approaches rock 'n' roll standard.
50-59: Demonstrates some required skills and knowledge in a limited way.
00-50: Has not demonstrated required skills or knowledge.

Learning Skills: E=Excellent, G=Good, S=Satisfactory, N=Sad Really

Oral And Visual Communication
Eye Contact: G
Pronounciation: N
Stage Presence: S
Stage Banter: S
Image: G
Appearance: G
Use Of Stage: G
Strengths/Weaknesses/Next Step: I couldn't hear any of the lyrics, or the guitar, but the costumes were superlative: the guitarist/bassist wore denim overalls with no shirt, while the singer was clad in suspiciously bovine-patterned pants. Excellent. Crowd interaction was giggly and derisive — I don't think it could have gone any other way.

Musical Analysis
Level Of Participation: E
Problem Solving: E
Teamwork: S
Work Habits: N
Organization: S
Audience Participation: S
Sound: N
Composition: N
Songs: S
Strengths/Weaknesses/Next Step: The lead singer has an interesting style — half sing-song, half boot camp. The guitarist's rhythm/jagged style was vaguely reminiscent of Primus, from what I could gather — that same galumph-galumph pattern. They could have been a little louder.

Other Skills And Areas Of Interest
Charisma: S
Problem Solving: E
Teamwork: S
Sexiness: E
Haircut: E
Indie Rock Footwear: E
Nods To Disposible Fashion: E
Cool Equipment: G
Level Of Inebriation: E
Actual Ability: S
Strengths/Weaknesses/Next Step: The Statutory Apes have the best band name I've ever heard. They also have sweet costumes. They also have very loyal — and drunk — fans. What they don't have are songs that are even remotely distinguishable from one another. But maybe that's the idea? Sometimes, with certain bands, you suddenly realize that the sooner you stop trying to "get" them, the more liberated your experience becomes. I took this approach with the Statutory Apes and immediately my feelings of pain and distress were replaced by a sense of release. Anyway, I'm not sure whether their fuzziness was technical or deliberate but play louder next time, boys!