The Rip Torns @ CMW 2006

Hometown: Toronto, ON

Background/Composition: A two-man cover band, sometimes accapella, sometimes accompanied by vague guitar playing, drum machine, toys, yelling.

Grade: 48

Comment: As part of the Boa's "Bad Bands Revolution," The Rip Torns are deliberately, deliriously, incoherently awful, and don't you forget it. The Rip Torns' rambling schtick was hilarious for about 15 minutes, but, like their confetti-tossing, curly-'stached namesake, they're best taken in small doses.

Achievement of Rock 'n' Roll Expectations
80-100: Exceeds skill and knowledge expectations, i.e. rocked us so hard we peed our pants.
70-79: Achieves required skills and knowledge. Meets rock 'n' roll standard. 60-69: Demonstrates some skills. Approaches rock 'n' roll standard.
50-59: Demonstrates some required skills and knowledge in a limited way.
00-50: Has not demonstrated required skills or knowledge.

Learning Skills: E=Excellent, G=Good, S=Satisfactory, N=Sad Really

Oral And Visual Communication
Eye Contact: G 
Pronounciation: S
Stage Presence: S
Stage Banter: N
Image: N
Appearance: S
Use Of Stage: S
Strengths/Weaknesses/Next Step: Lead singer (?!!) Ryan MacLaren had but one virtuoso moment staggering through the small crowd on the Boat dancefloor, clacking a pair of drumsticks together — kind of like The Arcade Fire, if they cursed and drank more. The band's constant berating of the audience wins them hardcore points; every laugh and approving cheer was met with a resounding "Go fuck yourself!"

Musical Analysis
Level Of Participation: E
Problem Solving: E
Teamwork: G
Work Habits: N
Organization: N
Audience Participation: S
Sound: N
Composition: S
Songs: N
Strengths/Weaknesses/Next Step: I'm doubtful as to whether The Rip Torns can be graded according to conventional standards of musicality, or rhythm, or, dear God, tonality. This is a band whose idea of a cover song goes along the lines of: "Fleetwood Mac Fleetwood Mac... woopwoopwoopwoop... RUMOURS!!!" while drums beat out of time and a guitar makes crying sounds -- much like my heart. This being said, it had a lot of us snorting Labatt 50 out our noses.

Other Skills And Areas Of Interest
Charisma: S
Problem Solving: E
Teamwork: E
Sexiness: S
Haircut: S
Indie Rock Footwear: E
Nods To Disposible Fashion: E
Cool Equipment: S
Level Of Inebriation: E
Actual Ability: N
Strengths/Weaknesses/Next Step: Although the crowd were initially shitting themselves over the antics of The Rip Torns, most were talking amongst themselves by the end of the set. I say that if The Rip Torns want to keep the audience's attention, they're going to have to start throwing projectiles at them. Either that, or add some Meatloaf to your repertoire. Now that, I might pay money to see. Kind of. Not really.