LIVE: Family Values Tour

LIVE: Family Values TourSkydomeToronto, OntarioSat. Oct. 20, 2001Reviewed by April LabineI arrived at the Family Values show half-asleep and primarily concerned about the smoking status inside the SkyDome. I was felt up at the gate and my cigarettes were closely examined before I got inside, where I was told that I was not at Gate 5. I was at Gate 6. Hardly surprised, I made my graceless exit and proceeded to Gate 5 for another feel.I contemplated the beer stand for some time before taking my seat, deciding to remain sober for a while. Static-X was already on stage, playing industrial metal to a crowd of, what looked like, spellbound apostles at a somewhat dull sermon. The security guards, with folded arms and conspicuous yellow shirts were like football players anxiously awaiting the opportunity to beat the piss out of someone.Static-X were full of energy, even if the crowd wasn’t. If I closed my eyes I thought I was listening to White Zombie or Ministry in the Psalm 69 days. There was the odd lonely crowd surfer, proving, as always, just how dull Canadian audiences are. However, the band was thoughtful enough to thank the audience after every song. It was nice to feel appreciated.The set change was thankfully prompt and I was content with the knowledge that people were smoking and I could light up without fear of being evacuated from the premises. Linkin Park started off weak but, as the set progressed, their hip-hop, hard rock mish-mash gained an admirable degree of power. Vocalist Chester Bennington proved his ability to sing and his even greater ability to scream. The heavy bass throbbed its way into my guts, reminding me that I was hungry. A bottle of water was thrown into the audience for refreshment purposes. I’m certain the audience appreciated the gesture because, as we all know, water is really expensive at concerts.Plenty of arm-thrusting and head-bobbing went on as Bennington and fellow vocalist Mike Shinoda pranced around the stage rapping, singing and screaming their heads off. (Please note: no heads were seriously lost at this particular show, at least, not that I know of.)Occasionally Bennington broke out into a strange spastic dance and I was seriously concerned for his safety. Recognizing Toronto’s inability to express angst, LP tried to provoke the audience by shouting, "Where are all the rowdy people at? I heard Canada are a bunch of pussies!" The passive audience simply gaped with incomprehension. It was embarrassing.Bennington was reluctant to give up on the sorry crowd, pleading once more, "What we need to see is some people losing their fucking minds out there!"LP ended strong and managed to pump some enthusiasm into the crowd. The excitement was infectious and even I almost got a hard on (which is truly no easy feat). But no sooner had the crowd been resurrected than the curtain closed for the next set change. The crowd seemed to like Staind, though I could hardly understand why. Sure, Aaron Lewis could sing but he had the stage presence of a grieving wife. As he'd walk from one end of the stage to the other, looking like a sulking schoolboy, I almost felt pity for him. Would someone please give this man a hug? I grew distracted by a young couple slow dancing and making out in the stands. When that grew tiresome, I was lulled into a semi-coma, staring at the lights, wondering, should I have a roti after this? A roti would really be a great thing right now.The most exciting moment during Staind’s performance was when Wayne Static of Static-X came out to scream into the mike. But the excitement was short-lived and I resumed contemplating my roti, paralyzed with boredom.Thankfully, Stone Temple Pilots took the stage next, effortlessly blowing everyone else out of the water. Staind’s depressing performance was suddenly no more than a distant memory. After pumping out a delicious rendition of "Vaseline," vocalist Scott Weiland (dressed in a priest’s collar) said, "It’s beautiful to be here in front of all you sinners again."STP played for an energy-fueled, nipple-erecting hour and a half, balancing new material with old favourites. If Linkin Park was hard-on inducing, STP was multiple orgasm material. Weiland was in top form, stage-diving and romping around, doing his Iggy Pop-type ballet. When he said, "Let’s all take our clothes off," it seemed like a fine idea and Weiland proceeded to take off his shirt.Linkin Park’s Chester Bennington joined in for a song and later, Weiland recruited members of the audience to join in a singalong of "Creep."STP was loud, throbbing and all-encompassing. It left me feeling like I had just had an intimate and not entirely wholesome experience. Weiland teases you, promises you the world, gives you a taste of forbidden fruit and then leaves you jilted and quivering for more, as he moves on to the next city, the next stage, the next willing audience. When he turned his back on the audience, slipping off his sleek black pants and replacing them with an American flag, it was then that I knew I was in love.