MMVA 2009 Show Recap

8 p.m. Let's get this party started. It's time for the red carpet pre-show. So far we've got a ton of teenagers screaming in anticipation of seeing Kelly Clarkson and someone who plays a werewolf in the movies.

8:01 Stereos pull up in a red Cadillac. They're wearing those brightly coloured plastic aviators that we're seeing all over town. If you think they look cooler than you, you're right.

8:03 Rise Against bring a slightly more down-to-earth approach to making an entrance — it looks as though they've walked here.

8:04 Natalie Reznik and her side boob, both from So You Think You Can Dance Canada, are signing autographs.

8:06 Alexisonfire are dressed up in nerdy schoolboy outfits. It would have been a convincing job if Dallas Green's hand tattoos didn't serve as a dead giveaway.

8:08 Who is pulling up in this SUV? Why it's Brody Jenner from Bromance and The Hills!

8:14 Perez Hilton shows up wearing the skin of a dead pink snake. Who's he most interested in these days? Drake. Well, he's also interested in drawing fake penises on celebrities' faces, but that's a given.

8:15 A marching band and cheerleaders. Obviously. Oh wait, it's Marianas Trench, who have arrived with their own private parade.

8:17 Chris Bosh on the red carpet to announce Much Vibe nominees. Classified, who is nominated, drops in to say hello.

8:20 Rachelle LeFevre from Twilight pulls up. She confesses to playing poker on her BlackBerry before being taken inside.

8:26 Is that a motorcycle gang? No, it's Danny Fernandes! He's got five nominations tonight, putting him in a tie with Nickelback.

8:27 Did I just spot a guy in the audience?

8:28 Karl Wolf arrives and announces nominees for director of the Year. Colin Minihan wins for Marianas Trench's "Cross My Heart."

8:30 Shiloh arrives in a vintage Volkswagen Bug. She's a "pretty zen" ninja. You heard it here first.

8:31 The fellas from Billy Talent are here with their fathers in tow.

8:32 It's the Black Eyed Peas. Fergie hasn't appeared to have peed her pants yet. Judging by what they're wearing, they have arrived fresh from the year 2075. They've got a new album coming out. Be prepared to see their faces everywhere through to the end of 2010.

8:38 Twenty minutes to go until showtime. Drake arrives for his first MMVAs and to announce The Midway State as winners of the VideoFact indie award for their song "Never Again." Frank Borin accepts with the band.

8:41 Two SUVs pull up and out come Audrina Partridge and Rumer Willis from the upcoming film Sorority Row. Willis is also known for her roll as Bruce Willis and Demi Moore's daughter.

8:43 The girls from Girlicious arrive. They are pressed to answer who takes the longest to get ready? The verdict is in and it's a tie! They're here to announce the winner of best pop video of the year, which goes to Danny Fernandes for "Private Dancer." I've got a question. If they give all the awards out during the pre-show, what's left for the actual awards?

8:45 Ladies and gentlemen, it's Kim Kashardian and Reggie Bush, the later of whom looks extremely out of his element.

8:47 Bedouin Soundclash win best cinematography for "Until We Burn In The Sun," while the post-production award goes to Nickelback's "Ring Of Fire."

8:51 Alexander Ovechkin presents the Much Loud rock video award. Nickelback takes it, and wins the second of five awards they're nominated for. They pull up in some kind of Hummer and we're assured Chad Kroger is not driving.

8:55 Clarkson arrives and is told that she is almost an honourary Canadian for being so nice. She's looking forward to seeing Lady GaGa, and I am assured, so are we.

8:56 Taylor Lautner from Twilight shows up to the party. He'll be introducing Nickelback in a little while, but first he's ready to drop some hints about New Moon, the sequel to Twilight.

9 p.m. It's showtime! Opening performance from the evening's hosts, The Jonas Brothers. They're followed by Alexisonfire, who are getting considerably less attention from the crowd as they play a song from their new album, Old Crows/Young Cardinals.

9:10 Brody Jenner is called to the stage. He's looking sharp and talking about The Hills. He's announcing best international (read: American) video artist. Our winner is Lady GaGa for "Poker Face." Her dress looks like a giant braid. She dedicates her award to "God and the gays." Who says you can't please everyone all the time?

9:18 Finally, a word from our hosts, the brothers Jonas. The crowd is psyched.

9:18 The Black Eyes Peas take the stage to perform their latest single, "Boom Boom Pow." They're accompanied by a troupe of dancers in zebra-striped body suits that almost make one forget how disjointed the song is.

9:22 The Jonas Brothers check in with Perez Hilton, who is updating his website live from the stage. He takes a break from his blogging duty to announce a winner for the Muchmusic.com most watched video award. And the winner is... Girlicious for their video "Love Me." This, perhaps for the same reason I used to watch Mitsou videos 15 years ago?

9:30 Tila Tequila's got a new album and she's here to tell us about it before introducing teen pop sensation Shiloh.

9:35 MMVA virgins Midway State and award show veterans Theory Of A Deadman join us from the rooftop. Nobody pushes anyone else off. Bummer.

9:41 Niko Archembault and Natalie Reznik from So You Think You Can Dance Canada hit the stage to show of some fresh moves before introducing Billy Talent, who are playing "Rusted From The Rain" from atop one of the giant movie screens beside the main stage.

9:47 Danny Fernandes is back to introduce the nominees for the previously hyped Ur favourite international video. The award goes to our hosts, The Jonas Brothers for "Burnin' Up."

9:50 They keep hyping Lady GaGa's upcoming performance. I have to admit, I'm getting curious.

9:55 LeFevre makes her way to the stage to talk about the film's upcoming sequel, which by the number of drops it is getting makes one think it's sponsoring the awards. But enough of this Twilight business, it's time for "the original American Idol," Kelly Clarkson.

10 p.m. Two of the members from Marianas Trench are on stage to announce the fan favourite award for best new artist. As past winners, they suggest that nudity and dancing are the keys to securing a win. A card is produced and The Midway State secure their second award of the night.

10:03 Wolf wants us to know that he's got a new album coming out by the end of the year. Believe it. They asked him what the best part of touring was, but I don't think he really answered the question. I did hear him say that he was #2 on the charts, though.

10:05 Halifax's Classified is on the smaller stage performing his new single, "Anybody Listening."

10:13 Girlicious are back to introduce the Jonas Brothers who are about to perform a song of their upcoming album. Wardrobe change — check.

10:18 Time for the UR favourite video for the year award. The winners, Simple Plan, aren't here to accept the award, so we'll waste no time cutting to Ovechkin, who introduces Rise Against who play "Audience Of One."

10:30 More Jonas Brothers action, this time doing it a cappella with the audience. It's a beautiful thing. They announce Kardashian, who's outfit makes her look like one of the dancers from the Black Eyes Peas performance. She announces Lady GaGa, who has taken the stage in a New York City subway setting complete with dudes in bondage gear. By the end of her medley she's shooting sparks out of her boobs. Incredible.

10:38 Willis is presenting the international video of the year by a Canadian. I don't understand what that award means. Nevertheless, Billy Talent manages to deny Nickelback the title.

10:41 Chris Bosh greets plenty of fans on his way to the stage to talk about his budding comedy career and announce video of the year, which goes to Nickelback. Take that Billy Talent!

10:48 Patridge won't say if she's the killer in her upcoming movie, Sorority Row. She gives the international video of the year (group) award to The Black Eyed Peas for the previously performed "Boom Boom Pow."

10:52 The evening's final performance, which comes courtesy of Nickelback, involves — predictably — lots of compensatory explosions.

11 p.m. And that's a wrap. I feel like an old man.