Junos By The Minute

03/29/09 6:58pm

by Jen White (CHARTattack)

I'm coming to you live, straight from my couch, to document the 2009 Juno Awards in Vancouver, B.C.

(Don't forget to follow along with our Official Juno Awards 2009 Drinking Game.)

7:00 p.m.: The pre-show E-Talk red carpet special has started and we're off to the races!

7:01 p.m.: Nickelback! Ben Mulroney! What an exciting way to kick off the show. Chad Kroeger has somehow made his hair straight and less gross... And yet Ben has discovered how to make his look slimier.

7:02 p.m.: Sam Roberts is talking to Tanya Kim rocking some sort of scarecrow hat.

7:05 p.m.: I'm very surprised to say that Hedley are all looking classy in white suits... Not bad, fellas.

7:12 p.m.: People from Corner Gas are talking to Ben about the final episode... Does anyone care?

7:14 p.m.: Tanya has asked Serena Ryder twice now what she thinks of the red carpet craziness.

7:15 p.m.: I'm not quite sure who's more annoying: Ben or Russell Peters. (Too bad Nardwar couldn't host...)

7:22 p.m.: Canadian Idol Eva Avila professes her love for Beyonce. Latest Idol winner Theo Tams gives Tanya some "juicy" details about his new album. Everyone in the crowd is cheering for bigger stars walking on the red carpet behind them.

7:24 p.m.: Shameless self-promotion: CTV plugs the Olympics with some random peeps.

7:25 p.m.: Newlyweds Dallas Green and Leah Miller are looking pretty cute, although they creepily kinda match. Also, Dallas' bowtie is awesome.

7:26 p.m.: The new Barenaked Ladies! It's still kinda awkward without Stephen Page.

7:30 p.m.: Great Big Sea's Alan Doyle gives the obligatory "It's good to be nominated" BS. He's rocking some weird facial hair for his new film with Russell Crowe, that starts filming tomorrow.

7:32 p.m.: LIGHTS is designing her own line of headbands. I guess it was only a matter of time...

7:34 p.m.: Loverboy say it doesn't get any better than this. Yikes!

7:36 p.m.: The Stills have somehow managed to all dress entirely in black. They make a joke about keeping their Junos next to the toilet in their bathrooms and Tanya Kim looks confused.

7:40 p.m.: Bryan Adams is nominated for his 56th Juno, and looking pretty good for his age. Tanya Kim asks him if he's going to write songs for Lindsay Lohan's new album, and he tells Kim flatly to find some better rumours. Also, Kathleen Edwards makes a joke about her boobs. (Best red carpet moment so far!)

7:43 p.m.: Diana Krall looks hot. Her husband Elvis Costello, on the other hand, looks like a crazy old man.

7:44 p.m.: Simple Plan! Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

7:46 p.m.: Kreesha Turner is so far revealing the most flesh in a hot purple dress.

7:47 p.m.: Sarah Slean rocks the forest nymph look, and reveals that she's a nerd. Ron Sexsmith looks forlorn, as per usual.

7:52 p.m.: Sarah McLauchlan's interview is overshadowed with Micheal Buble's arrival on the red carpet. For a new divorcee, she is looking hawt!

7:53 p.m.: Chantal Kreviazuk does red carpet work for Garnier. I bet she can hear the loonies piling up in the back of her mind.

7:54 p.m.: Truly Canadian: Sarah McLauchlan is signing CANADIAN TIRE MONEY. Christ.

7:55 p.m.: Feist! She looks so tiny to compared to her gargantuan director standing next to her. She's wearing an awesome dress from the 1920s that she had tailored.

7:56 p.m.: Ben gets mad because Michael Buble won't stop touching his butt, and abruptly ends the interview. Wicked.

7:59 p.m.: E-Talk sign off from an embarrassingly Canadian red carpet event. Check back in an hour for the actual show...

9:00 p.m.: And we're back! The Juno show finally gets going after a riveting episode of The Amazing Race.

9:01 p.m.: Nickelback open the show. Amount of explosions so far: 2.

9:02 p.m.: Wait a minute... this is their song about blowies... How the fuck did they manage to convince someone to let them play this on TV?!

9:05 p.m.: Total use of explosions during Nickelback's performance: only 3. But the last one was a doozy. Now host Russell Peters is doing a weird dance. Woo... I am SO excited to be watching this.

9:07 p.m.: Peters makes a joke about Vancouverites being potheads. How original! And now some jokes about Stephen Page's drug use...

9:10 p.m.: Peters does an awkward walk through the audience to roast some of the famous guests in attendance.

9:11 p.m.: Buffy Sainte-Marie and K.D. Lang are on stage to present the night's first award... a.k.a. the two chicks you would least like to sleep with at this entire event.

9:12 p.m.: Dallas Green wins a Juno for Songwriter Of The Year.

9:17 p.m.: Sam Roberts Band perform with some freaky-deeky TV magic showing them in black and white (just like the video for "Them Kids"), while the background is coming up in colour. Yes, this actually excites me (I love TV) and yes, I am a massive nerd. Also, why is the bassist wearing some ugly poncho thing!? At least Sam is still a hearthrob.

9:22 p.m.: Hedley announce group of the year. Hey, way to read the prompters, boys! And the winner is...

9:23 p.m.: Nickelback! (Surprise, surprise.) Man, that chick Chad Kroeger's with is not that hot, considering the cash he makes.

9:28 p.m.: Previously handed out awards: The Stills win for best new group....? They've been around for YEARS.

9:29 p.m.: Sarah Slean, Kreesha Turner and Deborah Cox announce best rap recording to... Kardinal Offishal. Woo! Kardi!! He sends a pre-taped acceptance speech. He's obviously too famous now to show up to the Junos, which means he'll upgrade to the Grammys next year.

9:32 p.m.: Sarah McLaughlin performs in a dress she made out of her curtains earlier today.

9:39 p.m.: Haha Buble burns Peters, and it's awesome: (Buble pretending to be Peters) "Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Brown people. Now give me a million dollars!"

9:42 p.m.: Best new artist goes to.... LIGHTS! She looks so cute! I want to pinch her cheeks.

9:45 p.m.: The Stills perform! Frontman Tim Fletcher kinda looks like a young Bryan Adams. Weird.

9:53 p.m.: City And Colour perform with Gord Downie. I want Dallas' guitar. Also, Downie's doing his best not to overshadow the meek Green, to the point where he's barely singing. What a weird performance.

9:59 p.m.: Producer Bob Rock announces Loverboy's induction into the Canadian Music Hall Of Fame.

10:05 p.m.: Are Loverboy reading their acceptance speeches from the teleprompter?! Lame. You knew you were getting this award, write that shit down ahead of time and practice it!

10:13 p.m.: There are three gals about to do their own separate acoustic performances on stage: Crystal Shawanda, Divine Brown and Serena Ryder. Seems to be all slow songs..... zzzzZZZZzzzzz.

10:18 p.m.: At least Ryder's song has picked up the tempo. Not a bad tune.

10:20 p.m.: Fan choice award = worst teleprompter reading yet! And the winner is...

10:21 p.m.: Nickelback. And they take the longest route to the stage possible... Sure guys, take your time. Really. Also, I just noticed the muff on Kroeger's chin. Gross.

10:27 p.m.: OMG! Simple Plan! 14-year-old girls across the country are losing their minds.

10:37 p.m.: Peters introduces athletes for the 2010 Olympics. Shameless plug, CTV. Isn't this show supposed to be about music?

10:39 p.m.: More athletes introduce Bryan Adams and Kathleen Edwards. Anyone else sense the sexual tension between the two?

10:44 p.m.: Feist (a.k.a. "Queen of last year's Junos") and Jim Cuddy announce the Artist Of The Year... Sam Roberts! Wait, isn't he in a band? And now Sammy's trying to clear that up. Oh man, someone in his band has an awesome moustache!

10:50 p.m.: And CTV throws out another nod to their new Elvis Costello series that they just picked up... Elvis and Diana Krall announce Album Of the Year...

10:52 p.m.: Nickelback!!!! SHOCKER.

10:54 p.m.: AHA! They turn on the music to get Nickelback off stage and to finish their terrible acceptance speech.

10:55 p.m.: Great Big Sea, Hawksley Workman and Eccodek close out the show with a Led Zeppelin cover.

11:00 p.m.: Annnnnd we're done. Well, wasn't that a hoot. I hope you're all shitfaced!