Official Juno Awards 2009 Drinking Game

03/27/09 5:27pm

by Aaron Brophy (CHARTattack)

What? You thought we'd face the prospect of witnessing Bryan Adams and Nickelback performing in a sober state? Think again, friends.

But we want to let y'all in on our half-proud, half-embarrassed pity party, too, so we've created something called the Official Juno Awards 2009 Drinking Game™.

It ain't exactly rocket science. Grab yourself some booze and sit your ass down in front of the television at exactly 7 p.m. EST.* The power drinking will begin with the eTalk At The Junos red carpet pre-show. You shut-ins can take a break for an hour to have a nap, eat, masturbate like that Latin guy on the plane or whatever you do during The Amazing Race, then the game will fire back up again at 9 p.m. EST for the actual show, The 2009 Juno Awards, all broadcast on CTV.

* Note: Broadcast times for the pre-show and awards will vary based on how CTV has managed to wedge that Amazing Race episode in the schedule from region to region. Check here for the times in your area.

(If you don't want to drink alone, be sure to check back during the broadcast for CHARTattack's official live blog of the event with Jen White, who'll be watching the event from her couch with a case of Moosehead. And be sure to add to her comments.)

Now, let's get shitfaced (but print this before you do so you'll have it handy on Sunday night).

Official Juno Awards 2009 Drinking Game Checklist:

* Chick fight: Pick either Sarah Slean or Serena Ryder. Drink each time your favourite songbird gets screen time: 1 drink

* City And Colour face game: Every time Dallas Green is shown on camera not smiling: 1 drink

* Swoon! Every time there's a close-up on Tim Fletcher of The Stills' hypnotic hair: 1 drink

* Every time Tanya Kim asks someone who they're wearing: 1 drink

* Every black person who gets interviewed on the red carpet: 1 drink

* Every time Ben Mulroney compliments a woman on the dress they're wearing: 1 drink

* D-Sisive is spotted wandering on the red carpet... lonely: 3 drinks

* Every person interviewed who you've never seen or heard of in your life: 1 drink per unknown

* Any reference to the economy, war, music business, whatever that paraphrases the line, "In these troubled times...": 1 drink

* Every time someone panders to the Vancouver Canucks: 1 drink

* Every member of Sam Roberts Band wearing a denim shirt or jacket: 1 drink per item

* Every time any eTalk host uses the excuse "Whoa! Live TV" to explain an uncomfortable flub: 1 drink

* The Lost Fingers get camera time: 1 drink per appearance

* Saint Alvia are spotted: 1 drink

* The Simple Plan swerve. When Simple Plan perform, you have to do a shot of milk: Milk! 1 shot

* Black Mountain are spotted: 1 drink

* Every time a person of colour performs on stage: 1 drink

* Every time something explodes during Nickelback's performance: 1 drink

* Hedley are spotted: 1 drink

For Nardwuar sub-section

* If Nardwuar actually makes an appearance during the awards broadcast: Chug the rest of your drink

* Every time Russell Peters self-references (I, me, mine, etc.): 1 drink

* If a member of Alexisonfire says to Ben Mulroney, "I wish I was talking to Nardwuar instead.": 5 drinks... (C'mon, Wade, we all know you or George are the only people who can make this happen.)

* If Hawksley Workman says to Ben Mulroney, "I wish I was talking to Nardwuar instead.": 7 drinks...

Loverboy special sub-section

* Every time someone makes a joke about working for the weekend, loving every minute of it, getting lucky, or being hot tonight: 1 drink

* If Mike Reno is wearing red leather pants: 3 drinks

* If Mike Reno is wearing a headband: 3 drinks

* If they cut to the audience at any point and Matt Mays is wearing a headband: 1 drink

Eye-rolling industry sub-section

* Every time Bruce Allen is thanked: 1 drink

* Every time "my label" is thanked: 1 drink

* Every time "most importantly, you, the fans" are thanked: 3 drinks

* Every time Jesus or God are thanked: 1 drink