Grammys By The Minute

02/09/09 12:51pm

by Kate Harper (CHARTattack)

You probably know by now that Robert Plant and Alison Krauss took home five trophies at Sunday night's 51st annual Grammy Awards.

You also probably know that Lil Wayne won four awards, while Coldplay received Grammys for rock album and song of the year and best pop performance by a duo or group with vocals.

You may have even watched the Grammys and seen performances by Radiohead (with the University Of Southern California's Trojans marching band), Lil Wayne, T.I., Kanye West and Jay-Z with M.I.A., Paul McCartney with Dave Grohl on drums, and the Jonas Brothers performing "Superstition" with Stevie Wonder.

Chris Brown and Rihanna were supposed to perform, but cancelled. It was later revealed that Brown was arrested for suspicion of making felony criminal threats in connection with an assault on an unidentified woman (who's believed to be Rihanna) in his car the night before after Clive Davis' annual Grammy party.

I watched the Grammys with CHARTattack photographer Aviva Cohen, and here were our thoughts throughout the broadcast:

8:09 p.m. The Rock mentions all the incredibly exciting performers. In the space of two minutes, he manages to say that he kissed Katy Perry and liked it. Perry's face is hilarious. He just called Paul McCartney and Dave Grohl the "Beatle Fighters" — this is both terrible and unfortunate. His jokes are god-awful and aren't even getting any pity laughs. Who's writing this?

8:11 p.m. Justin Timberlake introduces a performance including himself, Al Green, Boyz II Men and... Keith Urban. We all know Timberlake's pretty funny when he's given good material (Saturday Night Live's "Dick In A Box" skit, for instance). Again, no one's laughing. Who wrote this script?

8:23 p.m. Gosh, the introduction to Coldplay's performance sure made it sound like Radiohead were performing (ie: the "getting better with every album" part) instead. Too bad.

8:25 p.m. Aviva: "Where's Radiohead?"

8:27 p.m. Carrie Underwood performs. Aviva: "Alison Krauss is in the front row just shaking her head."

8:31 p.m. Underwood is still performing. Aviva: "What is with her blinged-out microphone? It reminds me of Lady GaGa's crystal boob."

8:32 p.m. Sugarland's "Stay" wins best performance by a country duo/group. You can pretty much tell by the lack of applause that most of the audience has no idea who they are.

8:35 p.m. A commercial announces upcoming performers. Aviva: "Where's Radiohead?"

8:41 p.m. Duffy and Al Green present the award for best rock song to Coldplay's "Viva La Vida." Joe Satriani is yelling at his television screen somewhere.

8:44 p.m. Aviva is very confused by Kid Rock's performance. He's singing about starving to death and there are images of crying children on the screen behind him. Does this count as community service?

8:48 p.m. Kid Rock's performance turns into a rendition of "Sweet Home Alabama." There's an American flag behind him. George W. Bush is going to descend from the ceiling in an American flag parachute anytime now.

8:53 p.m. Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus perform together, which is the worst idea ever because their voices are identical and it's like the same person singing. The Jonas Brothers are hiding somewhere. Aviva: "Behind Stevie Wonder."

8:57 p.m. Plant and Krauss' "Rich Woman" wins for best pop collaboration with vocals. Wait... pop song? Plant is the only winner so far who hasn't acknowledged that Paul McCartney is sitting in the front row. He doesn't have to. He's Robert Fuckin' Plant.

9:09 p.m. Jonas Brothers and Stevie Wonder perform. Why is Stevie Wonder using Auto-Tune? He can actually sing. I'm convinced the Jonas Brothers' guitars aren't plugged in. One of them is slamming the shit out of his axe and you can't hear it over the P.A.

9:14 p.m. Blink-182 present the award for best rock album and try to steal Coldplay's thunder by announcing they're reuniting. Given more people care about Coldplay winning, I think that makes Blink-182 irrelevant.

9:22 p.m. Craig Ferguson awkwardly introduces Katy Perry, saying "lesbians are totally awesome" and calling her "beautifully bi-curious." I'm going to throw up.

9:24 p.m. Perry can't sing at all and is practically yelling. Aviva has fallen asleep.

9:27 p.m. Estelle and Kanye West perform. West still has his mullet and the two are wearing matching shiny silver outfits. This performance has as much shiny silver and weird hair as the video for A Flock Of Seagulls' "I Ran," which officially means it's 1982 again.

9:29 p.m. Adele wins for best new artist. Surprise! No one actually cares about the Jonas Brothers. Too bad the Grammys aren't distributed to those who sell the most copies of Tiger Beat.

9:40 p.m. Plant and Krauss' "Please Read This Letter" wins for record of the year. T-Bone Burnett has nothing to say about this except, "Good things happen out of nowhere." Uh... awkward.

9:48 p.m. M.I.A., Kanye West, T.I., Lil Wayne and Jay-Z are performing. M.I.A. is going to pop, and appears to be wearing a polka-dot diaper and bra. I guess she needed a diaper on hand for the baby in case she went into labour on stage.

9:55 p.m. Paul McCartney and Dave Grohl perform "I Saw Her Standing There." Grohl must be peeing himself behind that drum set.

10:00 p.m. Aviva wakes up and is confused.

10:09 p.m. Adele and Sugarland perform. Sugarland try to steal Adele's thunder during "Chasing Pavements," but she's not having it. Good for her. No one should let anyone with too much vibrato in their voice take over.

10:18 p.m. Gwenyth Paltrow ironically introduces Radiohead. Aviva is going apeshit.

10:28 p.m. Justin Timberlake and T.I. are performing. Aviva: "I wonder when T.I. is going to throw his do-rag on the floor."

10:47 p.m. A recreated version of The Four Tops perform. Aviva is asleep again.

10:50 Is it bad that Neil Diamond's performance reminds me of a beer commercial from the '90s?

10:55 p.m. Are you kidding me? One minute is all the Bo Diddley tribute gets from B.B. King, John Mayer and Keith Urban?

11:09 p.m. Will.i.am and T-Pain present Lil Wayne with the best rap album award for Tha Carter III. He's still on stage after his performance. Can they make it any more obvious? I'm amazed that the words "Yes we can" don't leave Will.i.am.'s mouth.

11:18 p.m. I know I'm supposed to care about Plant and Krauss' performance, but I'm exhausted now.

11:23 p.m. Green Day present Plant and Krauss with the award for album of the year and the band announce their new album is called 21st Century Breakdown. Lack of applause indicates no one cares.

11:30 p.m. Stevie Wonder suffers his second injustice of the night when he plays out of the show and ads cut into his performance. The broadcast cuts out mid-performance. The end.

The full list of winners can be found on the Grammy Awards website, but here are some of the victors who may interest you:

Record Of The Year: Robert Plant & Alison Krauss — "Please Read The Letter"
Album Of The Year: Robert Plant & Alison Krauss — Raising Sand
Song Of The Year: Coldplay — "Viva La Vida"
Best New Artist: Adele
Best Female Pop Vocal Performance: Adele — "Chasing Pavements"
Best Male Pop Vocal Performance: John Mayer — "Say"
Best Pop Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocals: Coldplay — "Viva La Vida"
Best Pop Collaboration With Vocals: Robert Plant & Alison Krauss — "Rich Woman"
Best Pop Vocal Album: Duffy — Rockferry
Best Dance Recording: Daft Punk — "Harder Better Faster Stronger"
Best Electronic/Dance Album: Daft Punk — Alive 2007
Best Solo Rock Vocal Performance: John Mayer — "Gravity"
Best Rock Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocals: Kings Of Leon — "Sex On Fire"
Best Hard Rock Performance: The Mars Volta — "Wax Simulacra"
Best Metal Performance: Metallica — "My Apocalypse"
Best Rock Song: Bruce Springsteen — "Girls In Their Summer Clothes"
Best Rock Album: Coldplay — Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends
Best Alternative Album: Radiohead — In Rainbows
Best R&B Album: Jennifer Hudson — Jennifer Hudson
Best Rap Solo Performance: Lil Wayne — "A Milli"
Best Rap Performance By A Duo Or Group: Jay-Z and T.I. featuring Kanye West and Lil Wayne — "Swagga Like Us"
Best Rap/Sung Collaboration: Estelle featuring Kanye West — "American Boy"
Best Rap Song: Lil Wayne — "Lollipop"
Best Rap Album: Lil Wayne — Tha Carter III