Hedley Frontman Needs Cuddles

Hedley frontman Jacob Hoggard has posted what may be a new song (or at least some kind of "poetic rant") on his personal blog, the Dave Eggers-referencing, orthographically-challenged A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Beligerance.

We here at ChartAttack were a little disturbed by some of the lines in this poem/song (particularly "i'm getting tired of not cuddling") that he posted on Nov. 9 and we'd like to take the time to humbly make some suggestions (based on every line) to Canada's most well-known singer with a chest tattoo. Think of it as an e-hug:

"i'm getting tired of being awake"

This one's relatively easy to fix. It's all about gettin' yourself a good night's sleep. If you're so wound up that you can't shut your eyelids no matter how hard you try, some sleeping pills (only the prescribed amount — or maybe settle for Nyquil) should do the trick. Also, check out this.

"i'm getting tired of dragging my feet around"

This might be a slight case of club foot. Dragging your feet across the pavement is always ill-advised, mainly because you'll destroy your shoes, but you'll also wreck your knees and ankles. We suggest Hoggard picks up his feet while walking, and if for some reason he can't, like say there's a gigantic chain attached to his ankle, that he find some way to do so (ie: remove the chain). Or he could just drive everywhere.

"i'm getting tired of being so hungry"

One would think the frontman for a successful pop-punk band wouldn't have any problems foraging for food. So if for some reason Hoggard is having this problem, we suggest he make his way to his local food bank. Or he could just busk on a corner, 'cause then he'd probably have enough money to buy himself some groceries.

"i'm getting tired of starving for affection"

This one's simple. Hoggard should just ask for a hug. Who says no to a hug? Although seriously, starving for affection? Really? Four MuchMusic Video Awards aren't enough for you? I don't buy it.

"i'm getting tired of isolating myself"

This seems pretty impossible to do these days. Even if you say "Hi" to someone, you're limiting your isolation. Plus, there's always the internet.

"i'm getting tired of watching the sun come up"

Again, Nyquil. Or alternatively, if Hoggard's sick of watching the sun come up, he can always just watch it set.

"i'm getting tired of tossing and turning"

The trick here is to make sure you don't have the option of tossing and turning. What Hoggard should do is wrap himself up in a bunch of blankets like a mummy, or just sleep in a really tiny space that limits the ability to move, like the closet Bender sleeps in on Futurama. Or get someone to hold him in place so he can't move.

"i'm getting tired of self medicating"

This is always a bad idea. Crying is key here. Though people will say he's emo, Hoggard should definitely have a good cry. One release of those pent-up emotions and he should feel as good as new.

"i'm getting tired of sweating when i sleep"

I used to have this problem. I started sleeping with a fan on, and it did me wonders. Might I also suggest sleeping under less blankets... and hookers.

"i'm getting tired of not cuddling"

If a significant other or parental unit isn't within arm's reach, a stuffed animal will do for this one. Plus, the great thing about stuffed animals is they're soft and they won't elbow you in the eye in the night.

"i'm getting tired of daydreaming, all day long"

Daydreaming isn't always a bad thing, and it often holds the solutions to many problems. But if it starts getting in the way of everyday life and Hoggard starts pretending that the dreams are reality, then it's a problem. But don't go running to the doctor, because this also carries a simple solution: It helps to always have someone around you to yell, "Snap out of it!" when you drift off. Also, more sleep limits daydreaming. Sleep really is the key to everything. Start sleeping better, dude.

"i'm getting tired of being this close this far"

Yeah, me too.

"i'm getting tired of not having what i want when i want it"

Hoggard should listen to the Rolling Stones on this one: "You can't always get what you want/But if you try sometimes/You just might find/You get what you need."

"i'm getting tired of slutty phone numbers"

We're confused about this one. If Hoggard is tired of cuddling, and is in need of a hug and is lonely, why wouldn't slutty phone numbers be a good option? You're a rock star, dammit, so start acting like one and enjoy the company of slut-astic groupies!

"i'm getting tired of empty gratuity"

If Hoggard thinks someone's giving him something for free and they're being fake about it, a simple look in the eyes and a long "Thank you" should make him feel otherwise.

"i'm getting tired of the dark"

Invest in a night light. Also, Hoggard shouldn't be alarmed if his self-induced spotlight is dimmed for seven seconds a day. We all need a break from you sometime.

"i don't want to live where my shadow can offer the light.
"i don't want to go where we're beautiful only at night."

We're thinking this is either a metaphor for the dark taking over, or someone's missing a lot of sleep here. If this is literal, though, we agree. Any place where shadows cast light sounds like some crazy Stephen Hawking shit. And rest assured Jacob, some ladies still find you pretty in daylight.