MuchMusic Video Awards By The Minute

It's hard to imagine, but our readership may have had better things to do on a Sunday night than stay at home and watch MuchMusic. If you happened to have missed out on the 2008 MuchMusic Video Awards, don't worry. We have a minute-by-minute recap of the carnage for you.

8:00 p.m.: It begins. It's an hour until show time, which means a bushel full of red carpet coverage. VJ Devon Soltendieck and his Village Of The Damned blonde bob introduce the festivities.

8:04 p.m.: It's time to talk to Alexisonfire's Dallas Green and Wade MacNeil. Nothing really comes of it.

8:06 p.m.: Same for Simple Plan. They are tremendously polite, though.

8:07 p.m.: The non-Deryck members of Sum 41 are being interviewed and are wearing New Kids On The Block T-shirts. They may be wearing them ironically because they're in a "punk rock" band.

8:13 p.m.: Courting the yuppie/hipster demo, MuchMusic is making a big deal of The Office's Rainn Wilson. He makes for a charming interview, noting that the weather is "a little rainn-y." He also talks about showing off his butt crack, being in the new Transformers movie and telling Devon he's as "cute as a button."

8:17 p.m.: All sorts of hoopla about Laguna Beach star Kristin Cavallari appearing on the red carpet. It didn't take too long for MuchMusic to lay down for the MTV juggernaut, did it?

8:18 p.m.: In an effort to hurry the show along, Much is dumping a couple of award announcements in the middle of red carpet coverage. Wintersleep capture the best independent video award and Sam Roberts snares the best post-production award.

8:22 p.m.: There's some face time for the So You Think You Can Dance Canada judges and host (and Much VJ) Leah Miller. The show hasn't aired yet, but it already appears obnoxious.

8:24 p.m.: Things shift over to Melanie C. She's very good at playing the media game, but somewhere in the back of her mind she must be wondering if she's slumming it.

8:26 p.m.: There's a pre-taped package piece where various attendees are asked what award best describes them. This is MuchMusic begging for something kooky. Melanie C opts for best Spice, Simple Plan suggests most STDs and Kardinal Offishall goes off on a tangent about his pants.

8:33 p.m.: Gossip-monger Perez Hilton is interviewed.

8:35 p.m.: Girlicious are about to be interviewed… and my cable signal is out. Is the star wattage of a Pussycat Dolls spinoff group and the skinny broad off Laguna Beach too much for my television set? Apparently so.

8:50 p.m.: Technical difficulties have been resolved in time to see Akon and Kardinal Offishall flirt with VJ Hannah Simone.

8:51 p.m.: The best international group video award is about to be handed out on the red carpet as well. Linkin Park take the trophy — but not literally, because they're busy doing other stuff.

8:52 p.m.: A Hedley video wins best cinematography. Hedley and cinematography are pretty much synonymous with each other, eh?

8:54 p.m.: Chace Crawford from Gossip Girl is wrangled in to hear about how handsome he is. Upon inspection, he is, in fact, handsome.

8:59 p.m.: An adventure in on-air time-filling:

Much VJ: "Any New Kids On The Block fans here?"

Huddled mass of crowd members: (Silence)

Person in crowd: JabbaWockeeZ!!!

9:00 p.m.: The proper show starts. Sunshine State MC Flo Rida comes in on a zip line. He performs "Low" with a reasonable amount of gusto and swagger. T-Pain isn't there, but there are dancing ladies and a live drummer.

9:04 p.m.: Immediately after Flo Rida's set, we are whisked away to Simple Plan performing "When I'm Gone." These guys are old pros at crowd-pleasing, as there are smiles and fans waving their hands from side to side. It's polite and pleasant pop-rock that makes the Jonas Brothers look downright snarly in comparison.

9:09 p.m.: MuchOnDemand hosts Matte Babel and Leah Miller officially introduce the show. Leah's voice is at the annoying Home Shopping Network frequency where perky morphs into sadistic.

9:10 p.m.: Reality television stars Girlicious (who's your favourite member?) help present the award for best international artist. Matt makes a joke about the girls giving someone a happy ending. I'm not sure if it's admirable or lunkheaded to openly suggest that the members of Girlicious are prostitutes, but it makes for fun television. Rihanna wins the award and knocks out a brief acceptance speech.

9:19 p.m.: Back from commercial break, Jesse McCartney looks uncomfortable as he engages in some pre-presentation banter. The pop idol is asked about who he would like to go on a date with. Jesse offers Katy Perry, a response that's met with apathy from the crowd. EMI can't be thrilled by that. Jesse pushes things along to present the award for best director. A Hedley video wins and the band pick up the award on the director's behalf. Jacob Hoggard is wearing a fanny-pack because he's being ironic. He should hang out with the guys from Sum 41.

9:24 p.m.: Finger Eleven talk about their success — namely playing "Paralyzer" at the Miss USA pageant and hobnobbing with Donny Osmond.

9:25 p.m.: IllScarlett play "Nothing Special" on the roof. There are fireworks. At the end of the song, the band trash their instruments. This is presumably because they're dangerous, but it comes off kind of lame.

9:27 p.m.: Tim Deegan alert! The guy-candy VJ talks to Perez Hilton and stiffly reads a line about not wanting to be on Perez's website. Perez returns saying that only A-to-D-listers appear on the gossip site and that Tim has nothing to worry about. Zing! Perez presents Rihanna with the Muchmusic.com most watched video award. Perez gushes that Rihanna is the most exciting thing in music.

9:29 p.m.: Belly is introduced as the "Godfather of Canadian hip-hop." Somewhere, Maestro just threw a bottle of Seagram's at his TV.

9:36 p.m.: Kristen Cavallari fields some softball questions (which you do at award shows) about going from reality television to motion pictures. She does a great job of making life on a reality soap sound miserable. She then introduces Sean Kingston.

9:37 p.m.: Kingston bops around like a soused and semi-famous uncle, thrilled to bask in any sort of attention. We get two (two!) Kingston songs, neither of which are any good.

9:41 p.m.: Ottawa Senators forward Jason Spezza is introduced as a presenter with the "Hockey Theme." This is a subtlety-free "Fuck You" taunt directed at the CBC. VJ Sarah Taylor attempts some banter with Spezza, but he's not given much to work with (he talks a bit about golf). By some bizarre circumstance, Spezza is presenting the prize for best rap video. Belly, a huge Senators fan, takes the honour.

9:46 p.m.: Video On Trial regular Trevor Boris plays a wacky production assistant in a backstage skit with Melanie C. She asks for some water and he gets excited 'cause she was in the Spice Girls. It's hijinx away!

9:51 p.m.: VJ Sarah talks to Dallas Green about being a homebody. This leads to Dallas extolling the virtues of his rechargeable lawn mower. Somewhere in there, Akon and Kardinal Offishall are introduced.

9:52 p.m.: Akon's "vocals" start well before he does, which would be scandalous if anyone gave a shit. On the other side of things, Kardinal is maintaining his reputation as a top-tier MC. The set ends with Kardinal leaping into the crowd and Akon sleepwalking.

9:56 p.m.: Hedley receive the best rock video award from Rainn Wilson. It's strange to see those two entities in the same place at the same time.

10:05 p.m.: Melanie C is on-stage with VJ Leah, who pushes Sporty for dance advice. This results in the two performing "The Running Man." Afterwards, Melanie C helps throw to a performance by the JabbaWockeeZ. Dancing "The Running Man" on Canadian cable television and throwing to "America's best dance crew?" Posh must be green with envy.

10:06 p.m.: The dance troupe are having problems with the rain-slicked stage. There's the occasional stumble and bumble, but the crowd never wavers.

10:09: Hedley perform "Never Too Late." During the performance, Jacob Hoggard announces, "We're not going anywhere." I wonder if Limblifter or Serial Joe ever made a similar proclamation. Surely not.

10:14: Theory Of A Deadman present the award for favourite Canadian artist. Avril Lavigne wins and gives her thank-you speech from Barcelona, Spain. Her indifference is palpable.

10:16 p.m.: We get more of Trevor Boris as a wacky assistant. This time he's backstage with New Kids On The Block. Once again, hijinx! After Boris leaves, he runs into Mike Myers, who now plays the part of the excited fan. It's legitimately surprising, albeit a cameo just for cameo's sake.

10:22 p.m.: Whitney Port from The Hills is on. She's the responsible one on the show and she gives the VJ polite responses rather than scintillating tidbits about the upcoming season.

10:26 p.m.: Girlicious perform and use everything they learned from the show. Dancing! Singing! Buttocks movement! It's all there. Expect them to fall into the Sugar Jones reality group scrap heap by next summer.

10:28 p.m.: Sam Roberts (of the Sam Roberts Band, for our American readers) presents the award for favourite Canadian group to Simple Plan. Once again, the band are remarkably polite. Now the Jonas Brothers resemble Fucked Up by comparison.

10:35 p.m.: The Hills' Brody Jenner is here to pander ("Canadian women are the hottest!") and promote his new show: Bromance. Speaker's Corner is dead and we live in a world with a show called Bromance. It's time to take stock of our lives.

10:38 p.m.: Rihanna and a pair of very tight pants are on stage performing "Take A Bow." This is a slow and serious song, and Rihanna drives this point home by singing directly into the camera whenever she has the opportunity. There's a baby grand piano, too.

10:42 p.m.: Stevo and Cone from Sum 41 present the award for favourite international video. Fall Out Boy score the honour and star in a taped acceptance speech. The band are shot from the waist up, but at the end they reveal that they're all in their underpants. Ha! Underpants! How absurd!

10:47 p.m.: Chace Crawford (handsome, remember?) presents the award for best video. Hedley win and politely thank a number of people.

10:50: Aside from VJ Matt directly insinuating that Girlicious were prostitute-esque, this evening has been nothing but uneventful. The weight of the evening's entertainment value rests on the Gold Bond-medicated shoulders of NKOTB. Here they come.

10:51: It's the first time New Kids have performed during prime time in 15 years and, fuck me, do they sound awful. The performance comes across more as a promotional appearance than a concert, as the quintet perform 30-second snippets of their early hits (starting with "Step By Step" and ending with "The Right Stuff"). Things are somewhat better for the comeback single "Summertime," complete with Donnie Wahlberg singing about a girl falling for "the boy from Scarborough." He later shouts, "It's officially on." Duly noted.

10:54 p.m.: Right. All done. You missed absolutely nothing of note and were right to be out living your life to the fullest.