MTV Video Music Awards Take New Approach

And so it was on Sunday that MTV unravelled the paradox, "How does one present a music video awards program when one doesn't play music videos?"

The answer: move the awards to Las Vegas' Palms Hotel And Casino, rip off the freeform chaos of the annual MuchMusic Video Awards and feed the audience a steady diet of their six favourite pop stars (Justin Timberlake, Kanye West, Fall Out Boy, Beyonce, Timbaland and Rihanna).

To be fair, Timberlake and Rihanna earned the screen time. They each won two awards (Rihanna for video and monster single of the year, and Timberlake for male artist and quadruple threat of the year). But "winners" and actual "awards" took a back seat to frantic jumps from party suite performances to main stage to party suite performances and back again in an effort to showcase the various Franken-collabs welded together for the event.

The water cooler moment for most was Britney Spears' middling performance of "Gimme More." The big magic act that was foreshadowed didn't happen, apparently a victim to some bureaucratic nonsense about insurance and such, but we smell spin. My guess is that Criss Angel pulled the plug on Spears.

Lip sync aficionados and breathless bloggers are up in arms about Spears' walk-around dance routine, no doubt frustrated by the savvy MTV camera work that deprived them of close-ups on her post-child cellulite. Host Sarah Silverman made up for it, though, with zingers like, "She is amazing. She's 25 years old and she's already accomplished everything she's going to accomplish in her life" and "Have you seen Britney's kids? Oh my god! They are the most adorable mistakes you'll ever see. They're so cute, they're as cute as the hairless vagina they came out of."

A far more grievous offence to the few music fans in the audience was perhaps the Mark Ronson bastardization of The Smiths' "Stop Me If You Think You've Heard This One Before." We have indeed heard the song before, and we'll stick with the original, thanks. It could have been worse, though. It could have been Robin Thicke performing it.

Timberlake, despite having his mug in what amounted to every second segment of television time, took great pains to bite the hand that feeds by hollering "I want to challenge MTV right now: to play more videos!" He said this after receiving his quadruple threat award (note: Timberlake's fourth entertaining skill, as defined by MTV, is "clothing line").

take (no malice intended). The Foo Fighters at least made out well in the shaky show format. As one of the four performers who had their own party suite designed for live rocking, they invited a series of guests to perform covers with them. Cee-Lo did a beefy PrinceSerj Tankian's "Holiday In Cambodia" would've been a pleasant surprise to any old-time punker who accidentally channel-surfed past. Unfortunately, he mostly sounded like an angry Fred Schneider, which ain't cool, though it's about right for a Dead Kennedys tune. We're holding none of that against the Foos, though.

The same poorly executed lip syncing that Spears did was OK for Chris Brown, because he was doing a bunch of crazy dance moves along with it. He danced on some VIP tables and traded off to Rihanna for her wonderfully hot pant-clad reprise of "Umbrella," only to have it sandwiched by Brown doing a dance tribute to Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean." MTV has never done anything like that before.

Fall Out Boy actually fared well and maintained their dignity through most of their camera time. We'll definitely keep our version of them (Alexisonfire) instead, but their party suite team-up with Rihanna for her "Shut Up And Drive" was surprisingly vital. It also probably sent Fefe Dobson into a tailspin of tears, wherever she was watching from.

West's performance running through the Playboy suite was concerning. I was of the understanding that he needs to Vaseline the sides of his head to get through doors what with the size of his ego and all. It's a good thing those magical head-shrinking dork glasses he wears allows him to navigate small hallways now.

Jennifer Garner called Gym Class Heroes "Gym Class Fall Out," which means teenage girls must really hate her now. Pamela Anderson's on-screen "stop it Tommy" triggered an old-fashioned white trash soap opera. Apparently Kid Rock tuned up Tommy Lee, resulting in some "stop all of this white-on-white crime" jokes afterwards. Maroon 5 were there, too. We'd have a lot more appreciation for Rock if he had erased that Levine dude instead.

Finally, Nelly Furtado is blond.

Here are the winners of the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards:

Video: Rihanna with Jay-Z, "Umbrella"
Male Artist: Justin Timberlake
Female Artist: Fergie
Quadruple Threat: Justin Timberlake
Best Group: Fall Out Boy, "This Ain't A Scene, It's An Arms Race"
Monster Single: Rihanna, "Umbrella"
Most Earthshattering Collaboration: Beyonce and Shakira, "Beautiful Liar"
Best Editing: Ken Mowe for Gnarls Barkley's "Smiley Faces"
Best Director: Samuel Bayer for Justin Timberlake's "What Goes Around ... Comes Around"
Best Choreography: Marty Kudelka for Justin Timberlake's "Let Me Talk To You/My Love"
Best New Artist: Gym Class Heroes