Canadian Idol Update: Kelly Clarkson Tries To Help

Kelly Clarkson coached the Canadian Idols this week, as they prepared songs written by their own musical idols.

"Dude, you've got it vocally," Clarkson told Matt Rapley, who admirably took on Stevie Wonder's "Higher Ground."

His performance was solid and he had a crazed look in his eyes. Angry "Whipping Post" Rapley is back. The only critique I have for the performance is that the loud band and back-up singers sometimes obscured his vocals. Less guitar, more Rapley.

"You've got heart and you've got soul and it shone through," said judge Sass Jordan.

Rapley's performance was followed by another charming installment of Kraft Kitchen Confidential.

Hey, you guys! Let's spontaneously hang out in the kitchen and eat Ritz crackers. Wow, these are really great! Our conversation is not at all awkward! This Kraft-brand orange juice quickly slakes my cracker-induced thirst, leaving me ready and willing for more crackers. Would anyone like more delicious Ritz? Me! Me!

Unintentional hilarity is the best kind.

The next performer was Dwight D'Eon. I'm not going to waste anyone's time telling you how freaking much I hated his torturous rendition of Bon Jovi's "Bed Of Roses."

"I think that was about as good as you can sing at this point - I don't think you sing well enough to win this competition," said judge Zack Werner. Host Ben Mulroney then announced that Canadian Idol was auctioning off a Yamaha piano autographed by the Idols. I'm severely tempted to buy said piano so I can write, "is a talentless poopyhead" under D'Eon's signature. That would be worth several thousand dollars, in my opinion.

After hearing Jaydee Bixby sing, Clarkson proceeded to sum him up exactly: "Jaydee is not 17 years old. He's, like, 80."

Bixby regained his magic while channelling Elvis Presley during "I Can't Stop Loving You." But the way the Pantene stylists had spiked his hair, I was half expecting him to segue into Billy Idol's "White Wedding."

The greatest part of Bixby's performance (aside from the singing itself, which was fantastic) was when he yanked a white scarf from out of his shirt and gave it to an excited girl in the audience. (Omigawd, it's Jaydee Bixby's sweat-drenched scarf! Be still mine underage loins!)

Ladies and gentlemen, Bixby is back.

"You just need the sideburns and the shiny jumpsuit and you can move to Vegas," said judge Jake Gold.

"That was the '70s," replied Bixby.

"You have not swayed from your vision, and that's what it's all about," said judge Farley Flex.

Carly Rae Jepsen sang Rickie Lee Jones' "Chuck E's In Love," a song she said she'd been singing since she was a kid. Jepsen was so cute and cooey that I barely understood the lyrics. But she's back on cute dresses, so who cares? Cute dress, cute voice, cute hair, cute song, cute girl. Cute, cute, cute, cute! Does cute equal votes? Let's hope so. I really like listening to this girl every week.

"This girl is memorable singularly amongst these people, and if that ain't lovable, I don't know what is," said Werner."You are a professional — you understand how to entertain people," offered Flex.

Brian Melo closed the night with Radiohead's "Karma Police." The thing I dislike about "Milquetoast" Melo (besides his voice being really generic and unremarkable) is when he focuses on giving strength to certain notes and then lets others drop like lead weights. I can't forgive that. I dislike it when he waltzes around with the mic stand, and I dislike it even more when he thinks he's Raine Maida.

The judges raved about Melo's performance (with Flex going so far as to offer a standing ovation), but I didn't hear any of the "magic" that Gold suggested was in Melo's performance. Sure, he threw a lot of emotion behind it, but it tasted canned to me.

I think my brother (and fellow ChartAttack hack John Papamarko) summed it up best when he said, "This is one of my favourite songs — and I'm falling asleep."

Next: D'Eon goes home — for real this time.