Canadian Idol Update: Pop Goes The Idol

Possibly still reeling from the shock of Greg Neufeld's unexpected departure last week, the Canadian Idol hopefuls seemed off their collective game on Monday night.

This episode's time-filler consisted of some pretty lame pre-taped contestant Q&As with Adam Levine of Maroon 5 — a band who, according to host Ben Mulroney, create "pure pop brilliance that resonates around the world." Yeesh!

Tara Oram kicked things off with Katrina And The Waves' "Walkin' On Sunshine," a selection that I'd like to think was a subtle jab at Carly "Rae Of Sunshine" Jepsen and how she's totally going to walk all over her. That would be clever, eh? And then Jepsen could counter with the popular "I'm Totally Taking Down That Blond Bitch Who Thinks She's Shania Twain" by Dwight Yoakam or something.

I really like Oram, but her weak performance this week was almost too painful to watch. There were some crazy out-of-tune notes. Was she nervous? Suffering from inopportune gastro-intestinal distress? Mourning the loss of Neufeld? Worrying about global warming? Poor Tara. Her shirt outshone her. "I cannot imagine for a moment being at a show or a place where someone came out onstage and did something as awful as that and stay for more than a minute," said judge Zack Werner, obviously not one to sugarcoat.

I love love love Jaydee Bixby, but this week he undulated between boy band lame and cowboy caricature when singing Lonestar's "Amazed."

"I can hear 16-year-old hearts throbbing all over the nation right now," said judge Farley Flex. "Unfortunately, my ears are throbbing, too."

Matt Rapley sang Michael Buble's "Everything" all relaxed and good-natured-like. Compared to the first two performances, it was pretty freaking good. But I kind of want angry "Whipping Post" Rapley back. That guy ruled.

"There was a lot of entertainment in that song," said judge Jake Gold, who I've decided makes the most boring comments of the entire panel.

Intermission came in the form of a plug for the "Believe In You" single. The song is available on iTunes and Puretracks and proceeds go toward building a Ronald McDonald House.

Jepsen had no cute dress on this week to distract me from criticism. She delivered Melissa Etheridge's "Come To My Window" in an overly precious manner. That little-girl-lost crap doesn't work on lesbian sex anthems. Sorry, kiddo. She also held one long note about 17 seconds too long.

"It wasn't as bad as some other people have been tonight," conceded Werner.

"I think that's the best version I have ever heard of that song," praised judge Sass Jordan.

Brian Melo sang Live's "The Dolphin's Cry," which is quite possibly the worst song title in the history of music. I'm convinced that Melo dropped his trademark goatee in order to copy Live frontman Ed Kowalczyk's stubble. Melo was unremarkable until the chorus kicked in. When the guitarist stepped forward to rock out with the singer, things promptly went to hell. Melo's performance was squarely in high school battle of the bands territory. So this is what it feels like when dolphins cry.

"You're Melo-dramatic," proclaimed Flex.

"You kicked the shit out of that," profaned Werner.

Dwight D'Eon's performance rounded out a merciless show in an outfit that he found at the back of Liberace's closet. While performing Santana's "Smooth," he proved himself a decent guitarist (and played the first contestant-manned guitar solo in Canadian Idol history), but his singing still ain't good enough.

"A lot of energy man, well done," said Flex.

Don't give D'Eon your vote. Make him leave — or else forget about it. (That was me subtly changing the lyrics of "Smooth." Clever, no?)