Canadian Idol Update: We Will Mock You

I see a little silhouette-o of a man! It is Ben! It is Ben! He can make the girls scream-o! But underneath bad lighting, very very frightening, eeek!

Anyway. According to Canadian Idol host Ben Mulroney, BBC radio named Queen the greatest British band of all time earlier this year. What what what? Is the entire country high? Queen are great and everything, but name five Queen songs right now! OK, now name five songs by the Beatles and/or The Rolling Stones. Much easier, right? And way better songs overall.

Brian Melo started the show with "Too Much Love Will Kill You" — something Freddie Mercury knew first-hand. Ba dum pum PSSSH! Rock legend Brian May (who coached the Idols this week alongside Roger Taylor) said that he was moved and "hugely impressed" by Melo. Hmm. May may be an international rock legend, but I'm an embittered smalltime music writer, so my opinion obviously counts for much more. And my opinion is that Melo's performance was boring and flat and generic and not very good and I hate his stupid trademark hats and his ridiculous facial hair. Sorry, Hamilton! Sorry, Brian May! Sorry, Brian Melo's mom!

"You are definitely now really in this competition," said judge Jake Gold. "I believed in the emotional context of what you did."

"It was sketchy all over the place," said good ol' judge Zack Werner, telling it like it is.

Greg Neufeld made a smart choice with "We Are The Champions," but the way he sang it didn't quite sit right with me. It was a little too R&B and all over the place. He punctuated it with too many "yeahs," and it was slow and drawn out and kind of a snoozefest. But people love that song. And people love Neufeld. So the way he sang it doesn't really matter. There's no way the kid is going home this week. Or next week. Or the week after.

"What you just did was the definition of a real singer," said judge Sass Jordan.

May summed up Carly Rae Jepsen in one breath: "She's irresistible. She has such a twinkle."

Our twinkly, perky, pretty, sparkly, shiny, doe-eyed little cutie pie gave life to "Killer Queen" with her killer pipes. She gave the song a lounge-y spin at the beginning before rocking it out. Jepsen's high notes were a little off, but I forgive her due to her adorable choreography, Betsey Johnson dress, bangs and adorableness.

"You are completely distinct from everybody here," said Werner.

I was worried when I learned that Matt Rapley chose to sing "Under Pressure," but he pulled it off completely.

"He doesn't realize his power," said May.

I'll say. That performance raised goosebumps! Heck yes, Matt Rapley! If Canada votes you off this week, I don't even know what's going on (P.S. They probably will).

"I think you did a fantastic job of an extremely challenging song. You just killed it, man," said Jordan.

"I think your voice is fantastic," Taylor said of Dwight D'Eon.

But Taylor is old and used to play eight-jillion decibel concerts without earplugs. So whatever. D'Eon began "Tie Your Mother Down" on top of an amp, and the rest of his performance was equally as obnoxious and mid-'90s. Dude, jogging around the room all breathless isn't going to make me forget that you can't sing! It was awesome when he accosted the cameraman and nearly broke his $8,000 camera. I bet the cameraman thought it was extra super awesome.

"You put your heart into every single thing that you do," said judge Farley Flex.

Tara Oram defined 110 per cent when she sang "Headlong Hurl." Holy crap! She's a star, for real real real. Who'd have thought that the cutesy blonde country gal would have become one of my favourites of the competition? Not even the fact that she looked like an out-of-place Hot Topic model could make me dislike that performance.

"You sang the hell out of the thing and you sang it from your guts," said Werner.

Jaydee Bixby has disappointed me for the past two weeks, but his rendition of "I Want To Break Free," while not his best, had a healthy sprinkle of Bixby magic. How can you not love this kid? Even though his outfit required the skin of an entire herd of cows, I bet PETA is all, "Look at that Jaydee Bixby sing his widdle heart out! Awwww!"

"Elvis is still in the building," said Jordan.

"I don't know what to say, Jaydee, except I found that oddly appealing," said Werner.

Tomorrow: Another one bites the dust (I've been waiting all season to use that).