Canadian Idol Update: Unplugged And Unimpressed

Monday night's "unplugged" episode of Canadian Idol was far from electric. A beautiful set complete with candles, chandeliers and onstage seating and special guest Enrique Iglesias sent the eye candy factor soaring, but the ear candy barely took flight.

Martha Joy started the show with a rendition of Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors." Her introduction was a touch high school musical for my liking, and things didn't get much better from there. The song was too low for Joy and she was off her game. She's gone on the next show.

"I'm still not feeling it from you," said judge Jake Gold.

"There was a horrific note in the middle of it that was really hair-raisingly bad," declared judge Zack Werner, who later compared Joy to The Little Mermaid.

Dwight D'Eon's version of "Every Breath You Take" was predictably awful.

"He sang it and I didn't think about The Police," said Iglesias.

I agree. But when D'Eon is singing The Police, I don't think about anything except ending my own life. There were no fewer than seven cringe-inducing moments in his performance. This guy is brutal. Make him stop, Canada.

"Wasn't the greatest singing you've ever done, but I do appreciate what you were trying to do up there," said judge Sass Jordan. Hmm. At least somebody did. Thankfully, perennial D'Eon cheerleader Werner came to his senses and said, "I had this vision of you one day winning this show, and that vision is slowly fleeting away."

Jaydee Bixby sang Green Day's "Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)" and updated the popular pop-punk ballad with some crazy down-home twang. What in the heck was that? Strike two, Bixby! The kid's performance was cartoonish, but not in an amusing way. It's like he was making fun of his heroes -- or himself. I continue to call conspiracy. Who paid this kid off to throw the competition?

"I think it's patently dishonest to twang if you're not from Texas or Arkansas," said Werner. "I thought that was awful."

"I didn't feel it was an honest performance," agreed Gold.

Iglesias praised Tara Oram for having "so much innocence," and she got all blushy. You could have cut the sexual tension with the same knife that flicked off Iglesias' unsightly mole a few years back. I bet that, after the show, Oram and Iglesias were sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

Perhaps buoyed by her newfound Latin lover, Oram delivered Bryan Adams' "Heaven" with purity and strength. It was the first professional-sounding performance of the evening.

"You didn't have the control that I think that song needs," whined judge Farley Flex.

"Whatever!" shouted some dude in the audience.

Right on, dude in the audience. It's you who should be up there on the judging panel wearing costumes left over from the set of Dick Tracey.

Brian Melo was next and sang The Black Crowes' "She Talks To Angels." As much as I can't get behind his voice, I'll give him full credit for being super into it last night. The crowd was, too. I guess he'll be here yet another week.

"You just supplied your own power," said Flex.

"You used all of the flaws you have in your voice as virtues," added Werner.

Matt Rapley should have nailed "Ain't No Sunshine," but he didn't. He gave a decent enough performance, but after last week's passionate, breathtaking rendition of "Whipping Post," "Ain't No Sunshine" disappeared behind a dark cloud.

"It was absolutely gorgeous," said Jordan. "You sang it like an old spiritual."

"The thing that pisses me off," began Werner, "is that you are probably — and I honestly believe this — the most gifted vocalist we have ever had on the show. But you've got to have some guts -- you wimped out."

Carly Rae Jepsen sang "Torn," a song made famous by Australian soap opera actress Natalie Imbruglia. Jepsen had a weak start, but she soon took off on sparkly golden wings made of cuteness. The unplugged environment is where she thrives.

"That's what I'm talking about right there," said Jordan. "Beautiful, unforgettable, vulnerable, wonderful."

"For those of you in Canada who are listening, this girl is singular, " raved Werner."

My head was tingling, my arms were tingling," contributed Gold. Werner hopped on stage and copped a feel -- err, gave Jepsen a big hug.

Greg Neufeld provided the grand finale. I must admit that I scoffed when Iglesias told him, "You have the type of voice that I wish I had." But when Neufeld sang Bryan Adams' "I'm Ready," I understood what he meant. Neufeld's singing style isn't my thing. But he has one hell of a voice and damned if he wasn't believable. He even sounded like Adams, at times.

Throughout, teenaged girls were shrieking, swooning and screaming, "We love you Greg!" The guy is poised to be a star, with or without Canadian Idol.

"Tonight, tonight, maybe only for tonight, nobody here was in your league at all," praised Werner, reluctantly, before copping a feel from Neufeld. I would have done the same.

Next: Iglesias dumps Anna Kournikova for Sofi Papamarko.