Gwar: Bestiality Good, Lordi And Ozzfest Bad

07/17/07 5:00pm

by Andre Mihsin (CHARTattack)

For the last two summers, Gwar assumed the role of halftime freak show for the Sounds Of The Underground travelling metal festival. This year, however, Gwar will end the evening — which means more blood, guts and gore courtesy of everyone's favourite metal band from beyond our planet. Needless to say, singer Oderous Urungus is foaming at the mouth for the opportunity to lay waste to as many disgusting humans as possible.

"The lineup this year is amazing," says the possessor of a barbed cuttlefish penis. "There's a lot of really fucking killer, amazing metal bands, all of them totally tickled pink to be playing with the sick, demonic overlords of metal: Gwar.

"And we're playing the coveted headlining spot, so there's lots of time to sit around guzzling beer and smoking crack, so we couldn't be any happier. It's kind of a get-to-know Gwar show for many because we kind of do an intro bit that kind of explains the origins of Gwar. I guess it's kind of a worst-of show."

As the veterans of Sounds Of The Underground, Gwar are the authority figures backstage, which pretty much means they can play by their own rules. But other bands, potential groupies and any canines roaming around backstage better exercise some caution.

"We let them run around and do whatever the hell they want," says Urungus of the other groups on the tour. "They know if they fuck up too hard they're going to get a broadsword upside the head.

"[Groupies must] die and have their bodies filleted and skinned alive. We don't like living women. We love dead chicks. Mostly we're into fucking dead dogs, though. That's the latest trip. In fact, I'm featuring on this tour my dead dog/lover, Pookie. I was a little bit shocked and appalled to find out that my dog was a homosexual, but that won't stop me from fucking it in the mouth in front of everybody."

The Sounds Of The Underground seems to be the only summer tour that'll accommodate and tolerate Gwar every year because it appears once again that they couldn't come to an agreement with Sharon Osbourne and her Ozzfest cronies.

"I believe they [Ozzfest organizers] sent a bunch of people over to our House Of Blues shows in L.A. so they can get in for free," says Urungus. "They were like, 'You can play Ozzfest, Gwar, as long as you can handle a five-minute changeover and us not paying you any money.'

"So basically they get around by making these offers that are completely unacceptable. It's fucking retarded."

So instead of getting Gwar for this year's free Ozzfest, Osbourne settled for the fake version of Gwar: Eurovision Song Contest winners, Lordi.

"Let them have Lordi, they can keep them," says Urungus. "It's really wonderful when a band like Gwar can fucking keep it real and kick so much ass in America for so many years, but they'll never let us play Ozzfest.

"And then some dumb fucking kiddie metal band from Finland can come along and, boom, they're headlining. Oh well, there's no justice in this world, but I guess that's why Lordi's head is on a spike during a Gwar set."

When asked if Gwar would ever face Lordi in an ultimate battle of alien bands, Urungus replies, "They're really not aliens, though. They're just a bunch of stupid humans dressed up like monsters."

Sounds Of The Underground also includes Amon Amarth, Goatwhore, Shadows Fall and a bunch of other bands who don't spew blood during their set. Here are the Canadian stops:

July 18 Toronto, ON @ Kool Haus
July 27 Calgary, AB @ MacEwan Hall
July 28 Edmonton, AB @ Shaw Conference Centre