Canadian Idol: And Then There Were 22

Greetings, Idol fans. Many apologies for the lack of an update on Monday night's show. I have an air-tight and not-at-all irresponsible reason for missing it. See... there was this blackout. You didn't hear about any blackouts? Well, that's only because this was a very small, localized blackout. Just on my block. So I couldn't even go to a neighbour's house to watch it. Yeah, yeah, that's the ticket.

Speaking of tickets, 200 golden ticket holders were flown to Toronto to endure Idol boot camp. Many tears were shed on Monday night's show (I can only assume. By that point, I had completely blacked out -- I mean, there was that freak blackout.) and, on Tuesday, the remaining starry-eyed hopefuls were cruelly pared down to 22 finalists.

After Monday night's (apparent) cliffhanger, we learned that the intriguing and androgynous Montana Martin Iles is safe. We're pleased by this and eagerly await her future collaborative musical efforts with doppelganger Pete Doherty.

Next, it was time for duets (also known as Insane Sexual Tension 101). It was pretty much out of control this year. The sheer number of hopefuls engaging in barely legal fun makes us hope and pray that the Fairmont Royal York washes its bed sheets thrice.

During the course of the duets, judges Sass Jordan mouthed lyrics encouragingly and Zack Werner was unnecessarily aggressive and judgmental, while host Ben Mulroney wore absurd-looking shirts. Lifelong dreams were shattered. So, par for the course, basically.

After the very wise duet eliminations, it was solo time (also known as a continuous fiery train wreck from the bowels of hell).

Previously wonderful voices failed to wow and it was generally an unmitigated disaster. Naomi-Joy Blackhall was a raw bundle of nerves and chokes, forgetting lyrics and cracking on a high note. Still, she managed to wrangle a spot in the top 22.

Despite Ben Griffin's energy, charisma and endearingly Hobbit-ish exterior, his voice fell flat and he knew it. "Put me in coach," he told the judges.

Let's forget the bad and the ugly. What about the good?

Adorable moppet Carly Rae Jepson's rendition of Anna Nalick's "Breathe (2 a.m.)" was easily one of the most captivating moments in the history of Canadian Idol. The performance moved Jordan to tears and Jepson collapsed in a big pile of them when she learned that she's top 22 material. (She probably would have had an identical reaction if they'd sent her home.) This culminated in a lengthy, emotional embrace between the moppet and Jordan, with the contestant blurting out, "You smell really nice!"

meets I can't believe that I'm more than halfway through my third update and have yet to mention Tyler Mullendore. This kid is like Neil Young meets Kurt Cobain and Miles Davis. He's seriously the coolest S.O.B. in the history of ever. If Mullendore doesn't become our Canadian Idol (and hopefully he won't, since he's way too cool), then he should get in touch with hillbilly surf rockers The Sadies. They'll take him under their sweaty, beer-soaked, cigarette-burned wings and raise the boy right.

What can be said of Jaydee Bixby? This kid stumbled out of the early '50s, but goddamn if it doesn't work for him. There was a tense moment when I thought that this walking anachronism and star-in-the-making didn't make it to the top 22, but he totally did. Aw, you rascally judges! You tricked us!

The final spot in the top 22 was up for grabs between Christine Hanlon (throat infection) and Jessica Sheppard (hoarse man voice). Sheppard clearly outshone a shaky and borderline atonal Hanlon on her solo piece, yet Hanlon was given the final spot. A great injustice has been done! How did this happen? Could it be that Idol judges simply prefer blonds? I call conspiracy.

Sheppard's uber-supportive mom rushed off-camera to vomit. I followed suit.

Next week: More vomit, tears and embarrassing Mulroney wardrobe selections.