No Media Idol, But Chart News Editor Declares Himself The People's Champion

04/16/07 5:30pm

Canadian Idol auditions came to Toronto on the weekend and, as part of the event, the Media Idol competition was held on the large outdoor stage at Yonge-Dundas Square on Saturday afternoon. ChartAttack's esteemed Canadian Idol writer, James Simons, was unable to take part, so news editor Steve McLean came to the rescue to do some representin'. Here's his story:

I arrived at 11:45 a.m. at the Hard Rock Cafe, where competitors, judges, production personnel and various hangers-on were invited for snacks, drinks and chit-chat. I could have had a couple of beers or shots, but I was going into this competition with a credo of, "Alcohol is a crutch for the scared and talentless." Since I wasn't frightened, and I'm quite comfortable with my talent level, I stuck to orange juice.

I've interviewed Canadian Idol judges Jake Gold, Zack Werner, Farley Flex and Sass Jordan on non-Idol-related matters over the years, which I wasn't sure would work for or against me. But when Gold let go an evil-sounding laugh and rubbed his hands together with mock glee when he found out that I'd be singing, joking that he'd get his chance for revenge for things I'd written in the past, I had my answer. To make matters worse, while Gold and Flex shook my hand, I spotted them hugging some of my opponents. With the knowledge that I wouldn't be the judges' favourite going in, I decided that I'd have to appeal more to the few thousand people who had gathered to watch and get them onside if I was going to have a chance to win.

Rudy Blair of 680News sang Sam Cooke's "Chain Gang," a woman from the Toronto Star chose a Carolyn Mark song, and Z103.5's Ashley Greco emoted her way through Audioslave's "Like A Stone."

Then it was my turn. Host Ben Mulroney put his arm around me as I was introduced, and he asked why I was wearing a pajama top.

"Because it's comfortable, fashionable and I look good in it," was my obvious reply.

The four judges were sitting behind us and, when Gold said it looked like I was shaking, I told everyone that it was because I knew he was looking at my ass. He replied that I didn't have much of one to look at. I'll leave that up to you to decide, dear readers, if you ever meet me and want to check it out.

In actuality, I was shivering because it was damn cold and, unlike the judges who had a large heater set up in front of their padded seats, competitors were left to freeze on frigid metal chairs on the other side of the stage.

Unlike last year's ChartAttack Media Idol representative, Sarah Kurchak, who apparently rehearsed for a month before belting out Loverboy's "The Kid Is Hot Tonight," I chose my song the night before and had never sung it before. But I knew the lyrics to The Ramones' "Blitzkrieg Bop" off by heart and I figured that I could get the crowd to chant the song's "Hey ho, let's go" introduction along with me and get them into it.

And even though that chant has become a favourite of protesters everywhere, and should have been easy to recognize and grasp even by people who've never heard of The Ramones, apparently I gave too much credit to Canadian Idol fans and wannabes. Only a few of them got it, including one young woman I didn't know who was wearing a Ramones T-shirt and rocked out through my performance.

I prowled the stage barking out the lyrics to the early punk classic for a minute or so until Werner (wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs Darryl Sittler jersey in an obvious but mostly unsuccessful attempt to curry favour with fans) got up and put his arm around me to try and lead me off the stage. I reached around and pointed at him as I got to the "Shoot him in the back" line of the song, which brought my performance to a close.

Jordan complimented my intensity and gave me "an A for energy and a Z for melody." Werner said that I gave him a headache. Gold thought that I was as melodic as Joey Ramone, and then pointed out that he was dead.

I sat down and CTV's Jacintha Wesselingh came on to perform Neil Young's "After The Gold Rush." InsidePulse.com's Murtz Jaffer, all pimped out in a maroon suit and fedora, showed good stage presence but limited vocal skills on the Backstreet Boys' "Get Down." Canadian Press' Anna Maria Russo, who had co-workers in the front row holding up a sign that said they loved her, sang Mary J. Blige's "Sweet Thing" very well. Metro's Angus Healey did a pretty good job on Creedence Clearwater Revival's "Travelin' Band." I took a pee break when the Toronto Sun's Michele Mandel sang Johnny Nash's "I Can See Clearly Now," which was a wise decision I was told upon my return.

Flow 93.5's Tricky Moreira was up next, and he didn't disappoint with his good-time cover of Michael Jackson's "The Way You Make Me Feel." EZ Rock's Colleen Rusholme warbled The Mamas & The Papas' "Dream A Little Dream Of Me," while the station's Jessica Baker sang a ballad that I didn't know. The Weather Network's Kim MacDonald closed things off with a performance of Jann Arden's "The Good Mother" that was as dull as the song itself.

The Media Idol winner receives $1,000 to donate to the charity of his or her choice and, after the judges announced that they had made a unanimous decision to name two winners, I was ready to step forward and accept one of the honours. But Greco and Moreira were the chosen ones, which means The Kidney Foundation Of Canada will have $1,000 less today than it could have had I been crowned champion.

But even though I didn't win, Mulroney came up to me afterward and said that my performance scared him. I considered that justice being served, since a number of his father's political policies frightened me during his too-long reign as prime minister.

Some Idol production staff members and a female security guard complimented me and my performance when everything was over. So even though I wasn't the best in the judges' minds, I feel I have the right to declare myself the people's champion.

Since I didn't claim the title, I won't appear on an episode of Canadian Idol this summer, which means that my streak of never having seen the show can stay intact. And that, my friends, still makes me a winner.