Decemberists-Colbert Battle Proves Epic

12/21/06 5:30pm

by Matt Littlefair (CHARTattack)

After an unbearably long build-up, the bleeding heart liberals and the fair-minded denizens of the right had their war last night, and the whole thing was beamed straight into the comfort of their homes.

Stephen Colbert faced off against Decemberists guitarist Chris Funk in what promised to be the greatest battle of a generation. The very fabric of the U.S. was stretched to the brink as right took on left in an epic struggle that could very well serve as an indicator of what's to come in 2008.

Colbert rustled up three qualified judges for the bout: Rolling Stone writer Anthony DeCurtis, producer Jim Anderson and New York Governor-elect Eliot Spitzer. Colbert's journalistic standing also yielded a coup as Dr. Henry Kissinger gave the go-ahead to start the war.

First to bat was the unassuming Funk. He tore it up, dropping heavy metal licks like atomic bombs. After Funk hammered up and down the fret-board like a fleet of U.S. F-14s carpet-bombing some hapless nation of innocents, it looked like our gravitas-filled hero had a serious problem on his hands.

While Colbert paused and cast a worried glance around the audience, Funk basked in the glow of moderate adoration that was bound to be short-lived. Well into the second bottle of red wine and the finest in B.C. organic, my brother and I anxiously waited for Colbert to erase all of our doubts. There's no way the best thing to happen to the Republican party since Abraham Lincoln could be beaten by a lowly left-leaning indie rocker sellout.

In a fit of rock-fuelled rage, Colbert shed his sleeves — they would have done nothing but hold him back in his never-ending fight for justice. Captaining the Titanic of guitars — five necks in all — Colbert looked sure to trounce his worthy opponent. After just two notes, Colbert was felled by an injury in his hand, which may or may not have been filled with prop blood. But once his hands were sticky with American-made blood, there was no way he would be able to shred to his full potential.

Colbert got an early Christmas present in Peter Frampton, who's still using that damn vocorder. But Frampton soared to the rescue like a Black Hawk helicopter dispatched to save pinned-down troops. His blues and hard-rock-influenced solo felled the audience and Colbert's proxy snatched victory from the inhuman jaws of the left wing.

But the final vote hadn't yet been tallied and, as we all know, the way a vote looks isn't always necessarily the way a vote turns out, or is manipulated. Rolling Stone voted for the right for the first time ever, and with Anderson tipping to Funk, it was left to Spitzer — who bent to the American people, a.k.a. the Colbert Nation. With that, the celebration began. Colbert came out and proved the moral right still has more fight in it.

Mr. Colbert, we salute you.