Canadian Idol: The Two Finalists Can't Get Much More Banal In Interviews

Whether exposing Pete Doherty's life-threatening crack addiction or revealing that self-professed virgin Britney Spears has immaculately conceived two children, we here at ChartAttack consistently put the word "pro" in the phrase "deep-probing, hard-hitting, fingernail-breaking investigative journalism."

So naturally, we giddily jumped up and down and shrieked like dedicated professionals when we heard that Canadian Idol's final two contestants, Eva Avila and Craig Sharpe, would be conducting phone interviews a few days before this year's last performance episode on Sept. 11.

Surely, no stone would remain unturned. What are Eva's views on separatism? Which Idol contestant does Craig hate the most? Is Eva a virgin? What about that suave Ben Mulroney character? Does he have any pointers for celibate, deep-probing, hard-hitting, nail-breaking investigative journalists?

Unfortunately, the two singers field questions like sweaty basketball players, more interested in having a shower and banging some hoop groupies than enlightening a bunch of beer-gutted sports geeks about life as towering gods. In other words, most responses sounded something like, "Ahhh, I just tried to give 110 per cent out there. The other team was really good, but we just didn't give up. We just tried to give 110, maybe 112, per cent out there."

Of course, it's hard to give great answers to the undemanding ass-kissing questions some people lob at them while still remaining humble. During Sharpe's conference call, for example, someone asked, "You realize you'll be making history no matter what?"

Meanwhile, Avila faced the confrontational query, "Where does this poise and grace come from?"

In response to these and many other questions, the agreeable Sharpe scrolled through a list of concise and appropriate insta-answers like some T-800 inexplicably programmed to like Celine Dion. At various times, Sharpe observed, "I've grown a nice bit since I've been in this competition," while also promising to "work really hard" in the future.

What's more, when asked whether any rivalry existed between Sharpe and former contestant Chad Doucette, the singer replied, "Oh my God, me and Chad was really good, really good friends in the competition. And I think, you know, I think, to say, from all of the top 10 we've had, I don't think there's been any ruckus between any of us."

Meanwhile, Avila, who fielded questions in a separate phone session, sounded like she was gripping pom-poms as she spoke. The singer clearly loves being in the spotlight, and she's pretty darn good at shaking hands and kissing babies. And though her answers were slightly more thoughtful, you couldn't help but suspect that she was being overly diplomatic.

Isn't Craig Sharpe an asshole?

"He's the most fun person I've ever met. I think he's the funniest guy I've ever met, actually. He's just so full of energy. And he's so hilarious and we have the best time together. It's like we're brother and sister."

But he's your competitor. Don't you want to push him down the stairs like Jessie Spanno did in Showgirls?

"It does not feel like a competition. It just feels like we're putting on a really kick butt show together."

Of course, we shouldn't expect any more from the two talented teens. The coach pays them to play, not to tell us what's going through their heads every second. And besides, cliches become cliches because they're true. Otherwise, they'd be called "dumb shit someone said once."

When Sharpe says his experience has been "super great," he isn't lying, regardless of how concise, polite or predictable the comment may be. We know the Idol experience is super great, just like we know chocolate cake is delicious when we see people stuffing their faces with it. Nevertheless, we still love hearing them moaning orgasmically and describing the taste as we stare at their plates.

The 90-minute grand finale of Canadian Idol season four takes place at 7 p.m. EDT on Sunday on CTV.