Canadian Idol: The Douce Is Now On The Loose

And now an excerpt from ChartAttack's wrap-up of Monday night's Canadian Idol episode:

"In a perfect world, Doucette or Lewis would get kicked off. But with the war in Iraq, indigestion and Carrot Top still on the loose, we know that this isn't a perfect world.

"God, that's some sweet prose. That guy must be a demon in the sack. But wait, it gets better:

"My Magic 8-Ball says, 'Outlook does not look good.'"What? That doesn't even make sense. What a piece of shit.

"Whatever, let's pretend it says 'Chad Doucette or Craig Sharpe.' That's my bet."

You heard it here first: Doucette deserved to — and probably would — get a BK Knight to the butt on Tuesday evening's elimination episode. Sure enough, as predicted, that's exactly what happened.

Of course, the outcome could have easily differed. With four likeable remaining contestants, only a super-gifted Miss Cleo The Psychic-ass motherfucker could predict who would be booted.

In retrospect, Eva Avila seemed safe. With a mesmerizing smile and some fuck-you-up pipes, Avila's the most professional and often the most passionate performer.

Though Tyler Lewis and Sharpe have also had their moments of heart-pounding sincerity, they each have conflicting shortcomings. The angelic-voiced Sharpe lacks Avila's star power, while the angelic-faced Lewis lacks her vocal precision. In other words, either one of them could have stayed or left without upsetting the universe's precarious balance.

And then there's the Douce. His nasally Squiggy-style singing voice isn't the best, but it gets the job done. More importantly, Doucette might be the most charming finalist — not in a mechanical shaking-babies-and-kissing-hands sort of way, but in a genuine geek-next-door way. While Avila and Lewis are the type you'd want to spend the night with, Doucette's the type you'd want to grab a beer with afterward and chat about how good the two were in bed.

Sure, Canada made the right choice when they voted the Douce off. But while it was obvious and easy, it was, in some ways, the hardest pick they could have made.But let's keep things in perspective. After all, this isn't a freaking obituary. Yeah, it was sad to watch homey's dreams shattered and all. But when he charmingly improvised "Everybody leaves" during a personalized version of his already appropriate final song, R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts," it was clear that he'd be OK.At the very least, the Douce will have little trouble getting laid when he returns to high school next week. If teen sex can't buy you happiness, then maybe happiness isn't as great as we all thought.