Canadian Idol: Monday Night's Show Was Classic

"Classic" isn't a word thrown around lightly on Canadian Idol.

Ryan Malcolm's life-changing rendition of Dobie Gray's "Drift Away": now that was classic. Or remember the girl earlier in the season who did a striptease on roller skates and then fell on her ass? Classic!

But there's also another level of classic rocker, those who've been sucking longer and harder than our young minds can even comprehend. Dennis DeYoung and Roger Hodgson happen to be this flavour of classic. Their respective groups, Styx and Supertramp, were making crap pop back when Jon Bon Jovi was still in stonewashed short pants.

Nevertheless, during Idol's Monday night classic rock show, the illustrious duo offered the seven remaining competitors little constructive criticism, sticking instead to empty "spread your wings" vagaries. Luckily, even without terrific guidance, the Idols managed to, well, spread their wings and fly through a magical world of classic covers.

Rob James started things off with Grand Funk Railroad's "Some Kind Of Wonderful." Afraid of getting stuck in slow jam molasses, James has been doing similarly upbeat tunes for a few weeks now, always with his legs spread, arm outstretched and a cool "Fuck me" twinkle in his eye.

Monday's performance may have felt overly familiar, but James seemed uncharacteristically smooth and skilled nonetheless. To quote judge Farley Flex: "That song brought out more of your skill set than anything you've done."

Tyler Lewis also delivered his best performance to date with Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Simple Man." Backed by two acoustic guitars, Lewis' voice was thicker and richer than Oprah Winfrey. As a result, judge Sass Jordan — a woman whose lip marks remain on contestants' asses like a "100% Grade A Beef" tattoo — took the opportunity to gush, "That was insane. You showed off the sweet edge to your voice that we've never heard before."

Similarly, Eva Avila came on some ride-or-die next-level shit with a street-as-fuck rendition of Queen's soft-rocking "Who Wants To Live Forever." Visually, Avila was unassuming and refrained from drastic stage movements. But vocally, honey was all like, "What's up motherfuckers," and completely stole the show in the process.

"I've just made a turning point," said Flex, "from being a judge to a fan."

Craig Sharpe, who also has a beautiful voice, put more of an emphasis on the visual aspects of his performance. He danced around like he had a turd in his pants and passionately pounded the floor during Foreigner's "Cold As Ice."

Though judge Zack Werner complimented Sharpe's uniqueness, compatriot Jake Gold was right on the money when he said, "I'm a huge fan of your voice, but that was not believable to me."

Ashley Coulter, on the other hand, avoided flashy kicks, back flips, impromptu macaroni sculptures or any other visual trickery. Instead, she delivered a bare-bones take on Bob Dylan's "Knocking On Heaven's Door."

In typical Dylan fashion, the immensely entertaining Coulter switched up the verse's melody. Though this may have thrown a few viewers, she redeemed herself with an undeniably powerful chorus.

"A lot of the contestants on this show are worried about what will happen post-Idol," Gold noted. "I have no worries about that at all for you."

Chad Doucette's cover of April Wine's "Bad Side Of The Moon" wasn't nearly as impressive, but that didn't stop the increasingly complimentary judges from puckering up for him as well. Flex went so far as to say, "There are three really memorable and distinct voices in this room: Dennis DeYoung, Roger Hodgson and Chad Doucette."

In truth, the Douce isn't nearly as memorable as the Big D. While most contestants waded through Foreigner's smelly discharges, Steffi D had the sense to go with a weirder and hipper cut: David Bowie's "Life On Mars." Like her song choice, D proved once again to be unique and intriguing, crouching in front of the drum and singing passionately at the plexiglass.

"You're so weird for our little Canadian Idol world," Werner noted, while Gold said, "David Bowie would be proud of that performance."

Maybe not, but at least it was enough to impress DeYoung and Hodgson.