Canadian Idol Cuts Contestants From 212 To 44

Tuesday night, in what has been described by many as the parasocial event of the summer, CTV screened two ass-to-ass episodes of Canadian Idol.

In the first show, 212 Idol hopefuls performed solo songs and group numbers over three gruelling days. At the end of each round, competitors dropped like flies — cheesy, over-emoting flies — until only 44 remained.

As day one began, 17-year-old Chad Doucette explained to the judges that he sang everywhere, from his bedroom to his bathroom, and joked, "I want Canada to be my bathroom." While his audition wasn't screened, we can only assume that the singer proceeded to shit all over our country in song.

Tiresome jokester Al McKinnon, on the other hand, said that he was there because he wanted to market his own fragrance. He then broke into "Black Betty," the same tune he had sung during his last audition. While the judges let him through, Zack Werner warned, "What you did was a joke and you barely squeezed through only because you're showing some star power and charisma, dude. Stop screwing around. You aren't that funny."

It was the first humorous moment since McKinnon had taken the stage. During the second day, the remaining competitors performed posse cuts. Tony Caruso, Sheldon Elter, Rob James and Bernard Quilala delivered a very stirring version of "Baby, I Love Your Way," leaving us with goose bumps, followed by a deep sense of shame and embarrassment. Other groups didn't fare as well, of course.

Rochelle Naytowhow earned a gold ticket to hell when she showed up late with no apology and then forgot the words mid-song.

Similarly, halfway through a rocky rendition of "All Day And All Of The Night," returning competitor Jenner Hughes began belting, "I'm singing off key!" When Werner noted that Hughes' performance the previous year had also been a train wreck, he responded, "Looks like another to add to the collection."

Finally, another group's crappy take on the same song prompted Werner to comment, "The Kinks have just committed suicide." By the end of the episode, 44 competitors remained amidst this battlefield of maimed karaoke tunes. By the end of the next show, only 22 would be standing.