Canadian Idol's First Round Ends With More Hilarity

It's week three in the ongoing Canadian Idol crisis, and the situation hasn't improved.

In Ottawa, Julien Latreille performed a very bad "Johnny B. Goode," and 16-year-old Kyle Davis' version of Alicia Bridges' "I Love The Nightlife (Disco 'Round)" prompted Zack Werner to provide a little constructive criticism: "If you had some lessons," the judge advised, "you'd still be horrible."

Meanwhile, in Halifax, Chris Townsend did Chubby Checker's "Let's Twist Again" without a few key ingredients, such as the proper melody and — oh, I don't know — twisting. "You're singing in such a manner," offered Werner, "as to make me question your grasp of reality, because it's so peculiar and so awful that it's beyond my description."

But the worst was Winnipeg. After showing up on roller-skates and dressed like Mattel's new Delusional Tone-Deaf Barbie, 18-year-old Jessica Parsons launched into a horrible "Barbie Girl" before whipping off her dress and, finally, falling flat on her ass. Who said you need singing ability to garner Mariah Carey comparisons?

Erica Jacobson, on the other hand, kept it simple by standing still and screaming her head off. When Werner joked that she was a "Yes," Jacobson excitedly responded, "I would crap my pants if you guys gave me a gold ticket."

The singer obviously didn't receive one, but at least she didn't have to do any unnecessary laundry. Thankfully, most of the gold ticket winners seemed to have their bowels and their vocal chords under control.

Al McKinnon — a goofy, sunglassed Spicoli-like character — delivered a spirited version of "Black Betty" that Flex, Werner and Jordan simply loved. When a slightly skeptical Jake Gold conceded, "You're going to Toronto," McKinnon responded, "Yeeeeah, that's the Canadian equivalent of Hollywood!"

Lucy Beardy — a 22-year-old mother of two who has cared for her siblings since her mother's passing — also received a gold ticket on the strength of both her full-bodied voice and her inspirational hard luck back-story.

But Winnipeg's Rob James had the real sob tale of the evening: he used to be in CanSYNC duo McMaster & James. In an effort to overcome this hardship, James belted out a solid version of Edwin McCain's "I'll Be" (pardon the oxymoron), causing viewers around the country to ask, "Hey, is that the guy from The Moffatts?"

James is just one of many who will be facing off in Toronto on next week's show. And while it will be exciting to witness a higher, more challenging level of competition, the hilarious round-one embarrassments will be sorely missed. From this point on, if you want to see someone break down crying or vomit in the middle of some crappy "My Sacrifice" rendition, you're just going to have to shell out the cash for Scott Stapp concert tickets.