Canadian Idol Judges Sink Their Teeth Into Media

Karma can be a cruel mistress... even crueler than Canadian Idol judge Zack Werner.

My plot seemed foolproof. I was going to attend the Media Idol auditions in Toronto. I would sing Loverboy's "The Kid Is Hot Tonite." The judges would be suitably burned by my subversive tribute to the fleeting fame of pop Idolarity, but would be so charmed by my rocking, Mike Reno-esque performance that they'd have no choice but to crown me the champion. Then CHARTattack would award me with a toy title belt with Ryan Malcolm's face glued on to it in celebration of my sly but awesome win.

But there's no image of a w8er boi turned Canadian Idol turned Drake scenester gracing my waist. Karma has taught me a hard lesson about taking the piss. Media Idol graced 10 cities during the current CI tour as a way to give media members a taste of the Canadian Idol audition experience.

At each stop, local representatives from the worlds of radio, print and television were invited to come, sing their hearts out, and get eviscerated by the celebrity judges. The winner received $1,000 for the local charity of their choice and an all-expenses paid trip to Toronto for a chance to compete in a national Media Idol showdown on the Canadian Idol stage, complete with image and vocal coaching.

With the final spot in the top 10 on the line, members of the Toronto media came out in full force. With their eyes on the prize, an assortment of radio and TV personalities, journalists and music critics stepped in front of the judges and put themselves in the shoes of thousands of hopefuls across the country. For the most part, the three judges (Farley Flex was absent due to a previous commitment) were merciful.

Other than taking one writer to task for a previous Idol article, Jake Gold was pragmatic. Sass Jordan was encouraging and kind, going so far as to use both the present and past tense of the verb "give'r" in her evaluation of some contestants. Even the infamous Werner wasn't quite as sharp as usual, having spewed most of his vitriol on an anti-Broken Social Scene rant.

But even a soft Werner packs a punch. His put-downs for the day included "I love the intensity with which you destroyed that song," and he compared one contestant to a mix of Barry White and Minnie Mouse. His compliments weren't much better, what with lines like, "You weren't grossly out of tune or anything" and the backhanded, "You've obviously done a lot of karaoke."

Still, nothing could convince me that I wasn't about to put on the best performance in Idol history. So, when host Ben Mulroney called my name and cheekily referred to Chart as his fan club, I jumped up on stage and affixed my Reno-style bandana to my leg. And then... something went wrong.

I could play the sympathy card and say that my confidence was undermined when Werner made fun of my charity, but the truth is that fate simply paid me back for my bad intentions. I tried to put on an ironic piece of performance art that took a dig at the whole Idol process and it cost me my somewhat less ironic desire to win that very same process.

While it sounded absolutely stunning when I was practising in my bathroom last night, my singing left a little to be desired on the stage. It would have been perfect if Loverboy were an experimental noise rock band prone to changing keys every line or so. I may have been hot last night, whoa, so hot last night. But where was I today? Not in the final round, that's for sure.

While Werner complimented my use of underarm exposure (yeah, I don't really get it either), he also said that he would have strangled himself with my bandana if I'd sung any more. I probably deserved that. In the end, it came down to a sing-off between Maura Grierson of MIX 99.9, Ian Nathanson of Metro News and Gary Butler of St. Joseph Media (the publisher of Toronto Life). When told to come up with a song about Toronto on the spot, all three made a valiant effort, but Butler's jingle took the prize.

You'll be able to see how Butler fares on the national level when Canadian Idol airs highlights of the competition this summer. As for me, you'll probably be able to find me at karaoke bars all over Toronto, trying desperately to redeem myself and do Loverboy proud.