Dave Matthews Sued For Giving Group Of Unsuspecting Tourists The Bum Rush

Usually when we think of the Dave Matthews Band, we have happy thoughts of their fans: pot-smoking hippie wannabies petting cows, eating tofu and wearing Birkenstocks.

Now, it's uncertain as to whether or not they were fans, it's unclear as to whether or not they were wearing hemp jewelry, and it was unspecified as to whether or not the contents of their bagged lunches featured leafy greens, but a lucky few who were headed down the Chicago River on a boat ride will forever have another thought ingrained into their memories.

And stained on their clothes.

That's right ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, the Dave Matthews Band (or someone representing the Dave Matthews Band) dumped 800 pounds of liquid human waste from their tour bus, through the grating of a bridge and onto about 100 happy boat goers.

In order to maintain a semblance of journalistic integrity, I will avoid vulgar terms throughout this article.

On August 8, a leased bus headed toward the band's downtown hotel. Down in the Chicago River, couples, families and the culturally enlightened were blissfully unaware of the bowls filled with trouser chili baking up above as they engaged on their architecture tour.

As Matthews' bus rumbled along the road, heading towards a bridge, one final turtle head poked out. Then, after sawing off the log, pinching the loaf and wrestling the brown corn-belly snake, the bus reached the bridge and the last bit of butt-mustard finally squeezed out.

The boat, meanwhile — through some ultimate cosmic joke conducted by a lesser god bored of seagull's well-aimed yogurt bombs — headed briskly for the same bridge, foaming water left in their wake, while the passengers discussed flying buttresses.

Just as someone aboard the bus finished planting a steaming bouquet of brown roses and hit the edge of the bridge, the boat began to enter the shade it provided from above. Finally, with the moon in the seventh house and Jupiter aligned with Mars, the bus driver allegedly emptied the contents of the septic tank through the bridge's metal grating, down onto the unsuspecting boaters.

If life is anything like an average low-brow comedy, there's no doubt that one of them looked up to the sky and muttered, "Oh shi..."

The quick thinking captain then turned the boat around, bringing his foul-smelling passengers back to the dock where they received full refunds.

The state of Illinois is suing the Dave Matthews Band and one of its bus drivers for allegedly violating state water pollution and public nuisance laws. The lawsuit seeks $70,000 in civil penalties.

That's a lot of dough for just baking a loaf.