Belle And Sebastian: Sissiest Band In The World

Every indie-rock sissy in Central Canada was out in full force last night (May 8) when Scottish twee heroes Belle And Sebastian stopped at the Kool Haus for their first Toronto appearance ever.

The octet (plus a few extra interlopers — at some points there were up to 12 disheveled Scotsmen/women on stage) cancelled a previous T.O. show a couple of years ago, so the legions of pasty-faced, cardigan-wearing underfed B&S fanatics didn't want to miss this gig under any circumstances.

Belle And Sebastian aren't quite like any other band on the face of the planet and their fans, subsequently, aren't like other rock-club frequenting music types. At the risk of betraying my own coven (this reporter is, sadly, a card-carrying, bootleg-owning member of the B&S cult), I noticed some going-ons at last night's show that were uniquely twee.

Here's a list of evidence as to why Belle And Sebastian are hands down, the sissiest band, with the sissiest fans, in the world (now that The Smiths have broken up, of course):

1. Lead singer/band genuis Stuart Murdoch walked on stage wearing a blazer and a scarf knotted like an ascot. Nearly every girl and every boy in the room almost fainted.

2. Not one, but two people sent flowers to the stage. Upon receiving the first bouquet, wrapped in paper, Murdoch exclaimed, "Aye, it's a Subway Veggie Delight!"

3. Despite the sold-out crowd, it was pretty easy to see the band from the back of the room seeing as almost everyone present was either a girl or a slight and spindly boy. They were almost all excessively polite, making it easy to push your way to the front to get a good view.

4. During the excessive breaks between songs (the huge band had to reposition themselves constantly) people in the crowd repeatedly yelled out for the most obscure import-only EP tracks they could think of. The band responded with indignant scowls.

5. Almost everyone in the band played shakers at some point.

6. When the band launched into the weep-rock classic "The State I Am In" several girls up front (including yours truly) spontaneously burst into tears.

7. People cheered at the opening chords of almost every song — even the new songs that nobody had heard before.

8. Guitarist Stevie Jackson gave an on-stage thanks to some friends that he had met online who made him dinner that night.

9. Mass hand-clapping.

10. When a group of drunken louts loudly tried to get everyone around them to dance during the subdued "We Rule The School," the B&S fans grimaced, but refused to tell them to shut up. When the offenders retreated to the bar, everyone exchanged knowing looks and breathed a sigh of relief.

11. The band invited a fan to climb on stage to sing a cover song of her choice. They performed an adorable, but surprisingly ballsy rendition of the Stones' "Satisfaction." The crowd looked confused. In Boston, the lucky fan at that show supposedly chose Dinosaur Jr.'s "Freak Scene."

12. Despite the fact his songs are far inferior to those of Stuart Murdoch, the audience politely tolerated Stevie Jackson's attempts to hog the set.

13. Ingenue cello player Isobel Campbell spent the bulk of the set singing so quietly that no one could hear her, pouting obtusely and making grimacing faces whenever she had to hit a tough note on her cello.

14. When the dance music started next door at the Guvernment Murdoch complained "What, we get here and a dance club has to open next door?"

15. One audience member, probably dragged there by his girlfriend, heckled Stevie Jackson who said, "Is that sarcasm?" and then struggled to think of a clever retort.

16. After hearing a fan yell out "Belle And Sebastian" in a horrible fake Scottish accent, Stuart Murdoch mocked him saying, "Here in Canada I have to talk slow..." Absolutely no one took offense.

17. There was no encore.

Sissies.