Yes, It's Another Whoa, Nelly! Juno Headline

The wonderful thing about live television is that you can hear when the fans, who purchased tickets voice their opinion. Juno host Rick Mercer touched on Napster shutting down and the industry seated down front began to cheer. Thankfully the fans drowned those sad saps out — making for great television.

They also let out a roar for each artist that they wanted to win, and considering ChartAttack was already blind from following Music Editor's Aaron Brophy's Junos drinking game, we needed to hear the ceremony. As predicted by one reader, we were doomed the moment The Moffatts hit the stage. Nine shots of the hard stuff and we'd already forgotten the introduction.

We got our vision back long enough to wonder, "Where did Joey Jermiah's hair go?" Also blind was the CBC when it came to selecting what awards not to air during the live telecast. Best R&B Recording, Best Alternative Album, Best Male Artist, Best Music Video, Best New Group and Best Rock Album were all handed out pre-show.

One begins to ask, "Why?" As promised in our predictions, ChartAttack will break into the Hip's homes and liberate the Best Rock Recording Juno and present it to either Treble Charger or Finger Eleven. We wish were blind when the Barenaked Ladies did their video feed. Why are they dressing alike? It's so wrong on so many levels. One shot for the video feed and they disappeared from our vision.

While sightless for the second time in the night we began to hear vintage hip-hop. Could this be some sort of weird flashback? No, it was the montage to hip-hop and urban music with performers Choclair, Snow, Dream Warriors, Deborah Cox, Baby Blue Sound Crew. The staged was packed with the best in hip-hop performing a kick-ass medley. Too much alcohol went to our stomach so we started to vomit when Best Rap Recording was presented to Swollen Members.

We got back to our seat in time to see the jaws of Baby Blue Sound Crew sitting around their knees. Five drinks for feeling their pain! Also, did the CBC get all the young cool numbers out of the way knowing that the program might run past a 9 p.m. bedtime?

Thank the Lord Nelly didn't change her outfit again. We were already "one toke over the line" and when she accepted Best Songwriter we just couldn't handle one more. Her acceptance speech was a little long (in our state) and considering that she already had thanked everyone previously she only kept repeating herself. Or that could have been the party supplies takin' full effect?

Our worst fears were also realised when Nickelback won for Best New Group. Was that a dig at us when they remarked, "Some people say it's the Kiss Of Death Award so thanks a lot."

Even host Mercer got a comment in earlier stating that the winner is entitled to this: "You can't get dumped by your record label for seven days."

Not to worry, we'll start calling on the eighth day to find out if it's true.

Finally Treble Charger kicked up the jams first by showing where they were sitting just before their performance. Talk about the nosebleeds. The cheerleaders at the end added to the song and Scooby dressed as Uncle Sam was perfect. But really what was with the over-exaggerated fist-pumping while strumming the guitars?

We did a couple of belts for what looked like a Moffatt-esque tribute.

Fully incoherent and juiced up, ChartAttack headed to two very swank parties (where we gorged ourselves even further on the industry tab) at Toronto hotspots Rain and Canoe — don't worry kids, you'll never make it past the bouncers. We'd love to tell you all about who we saw and what we did, but unlike one gossipy Toronto radio station, we adhere to the rules of no quote, no photographs, no work, but have a great time as advised on the invite.

[Editor's Note: We also want to get invited back next year too.] For a complete list of winners visit the official Juno Awards website at www.juno-awards.ca.