The Hold Steady Blow

Looking around the Phoenix on Tuesday night, it wasn't hard to tell I was out of place. The Hold Steady are geared towards blue collar males, aged 25-50, with the dream that they can someday, like balding frontman Craig Finn, stand up from behind their stupid desk at their stupid job and say, "Fuck this, I'm going to be a rock star!" Kudos to the band for having the balls to do that, and bravo for winning over a serious legion of fans, but I certainly ain't one of 'em.

Let me start off by saying that I have never liked The Hold Steady. My boyfriend is obsessed, and so I am forced to listen to Finn's shout-singing, which drive me absolutely insane. I mean seriously, the man had to take singing lessons for their latest release — their FOURTH album. Singing lessons! ... that have seemingly entirely gone to waste. (Heavy sigh for that one.)

His whiny voice is like nails on a chalkboard. And then seeing him flail about on stage, doing this weird airplane thing with his arms straight out, moving around like a four year old, and the POINTING! Dear God, the pointing. WTF was up with the pointing?!

After a while, I stopped trying to crane my head around some tall, graying man, and accepted my fate of seeing flashes of the pot-bellied frontman and his cast of merrymen: a guitarist that kinda looked like Chuck Klosterman (though I picture the real Klosterman in my mind as being in a way cooler band), a bassist that reminded me of a friend merely because of his floppy hair, and a keyboardist that brought the style level up about a million points with his funny hat, moustache, and cute jacket replete with matching kerchief tucked in the breast pocket. [Note: I couldn't see the drummer at all.]

I hear the keyboardist's making a solo album, so keep an eye out for that.

So as the band blared on with a billion songs that all essentially sounded the same — minus the two slow numbers and the four or so tracks that had "whoa whoa whoa" pop choruses that I find inoffensive — I came up with this little list:

Top Five Things That Are More Fun Than Watching The Hold Steady:

5) Waiting in line for beer at a busy bar (and you are REALLY thirsty)
4) Contemplating what to have for a snack later
3) Trying to figure out what the people around you actually do for a living
2) Imagine being at a way better show
1) Texting your friends about how terrible The Hold Steady are