Why Your Album Didn't Make The Polaris Music Prize 2009 Long List

06/16/09 12:43pm

by Aaron Brophy (CHARTattack)

1) Real people actually like your music.
2) You're not signed to Arts & Crafts.
3) The goddamn internet.
4) You haven't been in a band with Spencer Krug.
5) Not gay enough.
6) Too gay.
7) Traction with Punch Much demo didn't cross over to the pasty liner note-reading dork demo.
8) Moe Berg produced your record.
9) At least two of your band members have sleeve tattoos.
10) You think you're a rapper but your name doesn't start with a "K."
11) Gang singing is soooo 2005.
12) Ill-fated decision to produce the album yourself because you didn't want anyone messing with your "vision."
13) Haywire's "Dance Desire" is your guilty pleasure song.
14) Nobody fantasizes about your lead singer in the same way they do Emily Haines.
15) Sound like Sloan.
16) You are Sloan.
17) Not enough exotic percussion.
18) Loud guitars scare music critics.
19) Quebec.
20) Weekday gigs at Firkin pubs failed to cement your artistic legacy.
21) Endorsement from Grant Lawrence didn't carry as much weight as it used to.
22) Gord Downie's in your band.
23) You're a band, not a skinny eccentric solo male musician half-masquerading as a "band."
24) At least two of your songs were co-written by Chad Kroeger.
25) You suck.