Record Store Day is this Saturday, and everyone's making their wishlists. There are some undeniable records on the list of this year's exclusives, but if the purpose of Record Store Day is to help preserve independent brick-and-mortar record stores, we say to the musicians and record labels: open your minds and your catalogues, and put out some exclusives that are sure to fatten their coffers. This list is our own top six improbable RSD cash cows, and will hopefully inspire many more to re-release their most despicable songs for the common good.
Brad Paisley feat. LL Cool J, "Accidental Racist"
Format: Confederate Flag 7" vinyl
Paisley's olive branch to southern blacks reeks of white saviour self-congratulation, thinly-veiled frustration that his own internal "struggles" don't fully vindicate him, and a passive aggressive attitude to the song's addressees. But both the superficially conciliatory racists and ironic-but-actually racists would flock to record stores for a chance at this limited edition release. "I'm just a WHIIIIIITE MAN." Just. Just.
Prince, The Black Album
Format: 666-gram, sulphur-scented vinyl
Prince's vault is filled with cancelled records, including the fantastic return-to-form The Black Album. Rumour has it the record has canned because the artist (now a devoted Jehovah's Witness) considered it a vessel of Satan. If that's true, it seems HIGHLY UNLIKELY that Prince would release the album as a Record Store Day exclusive, ESPECIALLY as a totem to his new lord and master, Satan. Let his reign extend for a thousand funky years!
Pantera's first four albums
Format: Full box set w/ individual gatefolds, poster and hair tips
Before they were the Cowboys From Hell, Pantera latched on to the glam rock fad for seven years and four albums. Initially released on the band's own Metal Magic label, the records are now collectors items. But maybe a deluxe reissue is just what this stupid, outlandish, hair-sprayed hypermasculinity needs to come back in vogue!
Ulf Ekberg's Commit Suiside
Format: Singles Collection: Remixed By Ace Of Base
The only thing you need to know about Ulf Ekberg is that he once made neo-Nazi punk in a group called Commit Suiside. Oh, and that his other band Ace of Base sold 40 million albums. As a way of bridging the gap between when he was writing songs about killing immigrants with when he was writing songs about (presumably racially pure) childbirth, it might be an idea to get his current band to put a Europop spin on the home-recorded hate. In order to benefit record stores.
Teen Mom's Farrah Abraham, My Teenage Dream Ended
Format: Retrospective Edition w/ 148-page liner notes by Chuck Klosterman
Farrah Abraham's wretched and still-captivating debut record implicitly promised a new kind of unpolished and unpredictable celebrity, one that could numb our brains more effectively than the old order ever could. See that? Your own brilliant interpretations could dazzle and astound your friends for hours if you had the unwitting music pioneer/sex tape star's first record in your collection.
Chris Cornell, Scream
Format: Deluxe edition with track-by-track apology/explanation from Chris Cornell and Timbaland
Remember when the lead singer of Soundgarden got post-peak Timbaland to produce his solo album? What a piece of shit! There's no way anyone would touch a reissue of this, unless the two of them got together for a special commentary session. I propose they record themselves listening to the whole record and attempting to atone for inflicting it on the world, via riffing.