Gwar Explain Their Relationship With The Internet

11/23/09 1:49pm

by Pete Richards (CHARTattack)

Gwar's almighty Oderus Urungus blessed us with his otherworldly intellect before the unwarranted violation of our reporter and the shattering of his bones in chilly Canada a few weeks back.

Between all the blood-spilling, sodomizing and crack-smoking, Oderus did share these words with CHARTattack before plowing onward in his giant polar bear-drawn block of ice to pillage in other lands. Luckily, a portion of the interview was recovered in his bloody trail:

CHARTattack: Where are you now, Oderus?
Oderus Urungus: I'm fucking in Canada someplace.

I'm in some fucking weird place I've never been before called Moncton, which is apparently a fur trapping capital and there are all kinds of beaver men up here; men who have mated with the beaver. In emulation of Gwar mating with the ape to create AIDS, men up here mate with the beaver. But they just do it for fun. Because it feels good and there's not a lot of chicks.

What is Oderus' opinion of Lamb Of God?
I think they're ass-kickin'. They're scrumcilicious. We're playing with them, right?

Yes.
They're fucking awesome! Of course a great band — a wonderful band! They actually used to go hang around with us back in the day. We supplied them with crack on many, many occasions.

Of course, they were killed years ago on the first Gwar tour we shared with them. We zombified them and they've done very well since then for a bunch of zombies. Those guys play pretty darn good.

Now we're back with them, and even as zombies they have still managed to sell eight-zillion more records than Gwar has. We're still trying to figure out how the hell that happened.

Speaking of zombification, Michael Jackson is still making appearances at your shows.
There are rumours now that the King Of Pop is making an appearance in the new Gwar show. That he is teaching Gwar how to moonwalk and that he indeed faked his own death and returned to outer space.

So he is not in fact dead?
No, we gave him a jetpack and sent him to outer space. He's been floating around out there ever since. As a matter of fact, we scoop him up during the show. He comes out and teaches us how to moonwalk. Then we answer the eternal question, "Michael, is that your real nose?"

And you tear it off to the joy of onlookers.
Yes, yes. We share the truth with all!

How does Oderus feel about the Internet?
It's confusing, and I break things like computers very easily, so I don't think I interface with the compu-web very well. I know I'm all over it, though, so it can't be that bad.

It's very easy to read about Gwar now. Do you think Gwar was more of a mystery before the advent of the Internet?
Yes, more has been revealed about Gwar.

I think people have accepted Gwar into society more. They realize that we're not going away any time soon, especially now that we've got our own spaceship.

But still we choose to live on this planet because it's the only one that has crack cocaine. Gwar needs crack. We need crack to live. Such as you need air, we need crack.

Anyway, what was the question?

Oh, that Gwar was more of a mystery to the general public before.
Oh, yes. Now people are used to our hideous crack-crazed ways. They know that we're living here and our intent to play with our slaves and our hideous creation, the human race.

They've accepted us into their hearts and their homes and their vaginas and their asses with a gaping vigor and there's seemingly no end to the amount of atrocities we can bestow upon them. People still call us their gay necrotic lovers, and this is the path we will continue down as one, thrusting madly, prodding about in the dark with blindfolds on running into orifices of gay, old dead donkey dick.

So those are your views on the Internet.
I, uh. I can't read.

Does Oderus listen to music?
I listen to things. I listen to all kind of stuff. I just download everything on LimeWire and just select everything, and then I shuffle, and then I just listen all day.

The problem is I break the hell out of these computers. I probably go through about 30 or 40 of them. It takes a lot to make a playlist, so a lot of the time the music I hear is limited to the bands that are on tour with us. And I must say I do enjoy Job For A Cowboy and Red Chord very much.

So Oderus downloads music and he also tweets.
No, I gave up on tweeting. That's just so gay! Oderus doesn't tweet anymore, it's stupid. But blood-boy Dave Brockie's got a Facebook page. Go be his friend if your life is so pathetic that it's of value to you.