Brookamania's Running Wild

06/11/09 12:08pm

by James Simons (CHARTattack)

Brooke Hogan may have an overprotective Hulkster for a dad, but he insists she's the real music deal

Look, Brooke Hogan is great and all, but I didn't spend my childhood running around in tighty-whiteys putting headlocks on the family dog because of her post-Britney pop songs. That was her father's influence.

As a result, I'm mildly pleased when I learn that I will be interviewing the singer about her Scott Storch-backed debut album and her family's reality TV show, Hogan Knows Best. But when I find out that I will also be interviewing the Hulk, I feel more euphoric than I did the first time I purchased a specially priced Mr. Nanny/Suburban Commando DVD combo pack.

Unfortunately, when I arrive at Toronto's chic Ultra Supper Club on the day of the father-daughter interview, I realize that Hulk's presence is a mere morsel of deer flesh luring me into the bear trap that is a solo discussion with Brooke. While the elder Hogan rumbles into his cellphone — undoubtedly talking to Mr. T or someone equally cool — I unhappily stare at my notepad, which is filled with Hulk-directed questions like, "How did it feel to lose that grill endorsement to George Foreman?" and, "What was a more challenging role: Blake in Santa With Muscles or Dave Dragon in 3 Ninjas: High Noon At Mega Mountain?"

I briefly consider asking Brooke obnoxious joke questions, but she immediately insists that she expects and deserves respect.

"One cocky journalist asked me, ‘Do you rip off your shirt onstage?'" the singer fumes. "He almost thought it was a joke that he was talking to me: ‘Do you talk like the Hulk? Do you rip off your shirt like the Hulk?' Yeah, I rip it off and walk around the stage crouching like a tiger!"

At this point, I subtly cross out my first question — which reads something like, "Do you ever rip off your shirt and crouch like a tiger?" — and move to a more serious one, "Does this negative energy affect you?"

"It used to. When I was 15, I was all into, ‘Oh my God, I just did my first red carpet, I'm going to go online to see what everyone says.' But I swore to myself that I would never look at that stuff again because people will say, ‘Oh Brooke Hogan, she's 5'11; she must be a cross-dresser' and, ‘Look at her jaw, looks like she could crush rocks with her teeth.'"

As I scratch out my four or five questions about whether Brooke crushes various stuff with her teeth, I accept defeat: not only does the singer anticipate my derisive questions, she's so self-assured, personable and polite, I don't really want to be on her bad side, especially knowing who her father is.

You see, Hulk Hogan is a notoriously overprotective guardian and with good reason: when Brooke was 16, Playboy was calling to see if she'd be interested in modeling. When I finally sit down with the man himself, he insists that he's loosened up.  "She's 18 now, she can date whoever she wants. But she's just so busy with music.

"When it comes to music," Hulk continues, "She's the real thing. I don't have to use smoke and mirrors because she really plays keyboards and really sings, which is rare nowadays."

Hulk should know; not only did he work for a decade as a studio musician before his WWF career, he has also participated in multiple wrestling-themed albums, hitting the top 10 on Billboard's children's chart with 1995's Hulk Rules.

So will the father-daughter team ever duet?

"I doubt it," Hulk says. "I suck so bad. I'm the novelty act. You drink 10 or 12 beers, ‘Hey, watch this, brother, I'll go on stage and play some three-chord progression.' But Brooke? Brooke's the real deal."

bonus sidebar:
Athletes Ternt Sangas

Carl Lewis
When the track-and-field star butchered the national anthem at a 1993 NBA game, the entire stadium laughed and sports announcer Charley Steiner joked that Alexander Scott Off-Key had authored the song. But that embarrassment was nothing compared to Lewis' cheesy "Break It Up" video in which the athlete bops up and down on an exercise machine wearing a female one-piece bathing suit while inexplicably flirting with an elderly woman. You can't make this stuff up — not with all the crack in the world.

Shaquille O'Neal
With five records and a greatest hits package, O'Neal's almost got as many albums as Shawn Kemp's got illegitimate kids. Unfortunately, these records are closer to Shaq's free-throws than slam-dunks. Save your money for an extra copy of the Kazaam DVD.

Randy "Macho Man" Savage
On the 2003 rap-rock atrocity "Be A Man," Savage questions Hulk Hogan's manliness in an arrhythmic Cookie Monster growl. Manly? Please, Hulk's handlebar has its own handlebar, motherfucker!

This feature is from the February 2007 issue of Chart Magazine. To purchase the issue, go to the Chart Shop.