The Grist 13 And Shitty 7 — May 2009

The Grist 13

1. Swine Flu Jokes
If you can't laugh in the face of a global pandemic, when can you laugh?

2. Bat For Lashes
Do you have any idea how hard it is to find chicks to play Dungeons & Dragons with you?

3. Peaches' "More" Video
The ability to both titillate and disturb at the same time is a rare skill.

4. Wolverine
I realize that it's uncool to like him because everyone does, and that he's basically Marvel's answer for Batman, but still, if you haven't ever wished you had adamantium claws, your imagination is broken.

5. Lookatthisfuckinghipster
And so it was determined, with one last joke about cocaine and ironic tees, that hipsterism had jumped the shark.

6. When A Member Of Your Hockey Team Wins Seven Cases Of Beer In A Table Hockey Tournament
Darrin Pfeiffer is unbeatable. And McAuslan Brewery and the Montreal Ninja Tune Wicked Deadly Karate Chops are awesome.

7. Wal-Mart Intercom Pranks
Brilliant! Please, PLEASE let us know if you try any of these.

8. "Fart Knocker"
Beavis & Butt-head-inspired insult of the month, beating out "butt dumpling" and "dillweed."

9. Toronto Blue Jays Fever
They're already sinking back down into comfortable mediocrity, but it feels pretty exciting right now.

10. Apple Pie
Some would call it the Nickelback of pie, but we prefer to think of it as The Beatles of pie.

11. Better Off Ted
Portia De Rossi never ceases to be awesome.

12. Bikes
We're not trying to get too hippie on you, but bikes are good. (And less likely to get stolen if you live in Toronto nowadays.)

13. Patio Beers
One part people watching + one part alcohol + one part sunshine = good times.

The Shitty 7

1. Spring Showers
I don't care about May flowers right now. It's raining, my feet are soaked and I'm pissed off. Fuck you, spring.

2. Miss California
You fake-titted, homophobic slorch. And all pageant contestants look like praying mantises in clown makeup.

3. Not Being Able To Play In Giant Lagoons Of Pig Feces Runoff From Pig Slaughter Factory Farms
Fucking swine flu. Ruins everyone's fun.

4. Popeyes' Chicken Crisis
People need their chicken to feed their families.

5. Chrysler Bankruptcy
Truthfully, this is less awful to us than the prospect of Popeyes running out of cheap chicken.

6. Getting Circumcised When You're An Adult
Some things make you cringe every time you read them over.

7. Zac Efron
You're a weird, wax-looking motherfucker with dead eyes. It's a travesty that girls and boys all over the world will be pretending the lurching creep they're losing their virginity to is you.