23 Things I Learned About Life By Watching Nardwuar The Human Serviette's New DVD, Welcome To My Castle

12/23/08 12:50pm

by Logan Broger (CHARTattack)

Special Intern Assignment!

23 Things I Learned About Life By Watching Nardwuar The Human Serviette's New DVD, Welcome To My Castle

1. I am welcome to Nardwuar's castle… which seems to be a tree stump on the edge of a forest that his band plays beside.
2. Repeating the line "welcome to my castle" for two minutes qualifies as both "music" and "song."
3. Dope is for dopes.
4. People don't like Vox organ schematic diagrams.
5. Robert Plant is one of the nicest men in the world, according to Alannah Myles.
6. You can meditate to punk music.
7. If someone licks a microphone, and then you lick it, it's the same thing as if you've licked that other person.
8. Guys who wear toques in clubs don't get any.
9. Gymnastic instructors make horrible money.
10. Chocolate pudding + corn = believable fake poop.
11. Back in Nardwuar's day, magazines only cost a dollar.
12. If you're a drummer now, you might end up being a drug addict later.
13. Teen Screen magazine is perfect for pedophiles.
14. People don't like random kids coming to their door asking questions about their daughters.
15. Not believing in God is ignorant.
16. Vancouver girls like old men.
17. Drawing on Nardwuar's face with a marker is funny.
18. Standing up in a convertible is apparently not dangerous nor against the law in Vancouver.
19. Jimmy Pattison, the sixth richest Canadian, likes to show off his mansion security system to teenagers at Halloween.
20. Led Zeppelin, The Who and The Beatles are all Sonic Youth clone bands.
21. Americans have respect for Canadians, at least according to former U.S. president Gerald Ford.
22. Nardwuar looks like Mark David Chapman, the guy who killed John Lennon.
23. Led Zeppelin have high intellects, as high as Picasso.

The following Grist story was from our December 2007 issue. To purchase the issue, head on over to the Chart Shop.