Woodhands' Chinese Adventure

07/04/08 9:22am

by Evan Dickson (CHARTattack)

Electro-dance mind-melters Woodhands just got back from playing some shows in China, so we figuring that was as good a reason as any to invite Dan Werb and Paul Banwatt over for beer, Scrabble and hot interview action.

Chartattack: My editor specifically told me to ask what the toilets were like in China, so let's get that out of the way right now.
Dan Werb: First of all, huge segments of the city don't have running water in their houses, so there are these public toilets everywhere that people use and they're pretty gross. There are no flush toilets.
Paul Banwatt: Though it depends on what you want to do there. Like, which bodily function is involved. Public toilets aren't necessarily the worst thing in the world, but if you've got a lot of business to take care of, that's not where you want to be.
DW: You gotta do the squat thing.
PB: I read that the squat position is actually better in terms of your evacuation.
DW: I'm sure it's better in terms of the cleanliness of your anus. PB: What it's worse in terms of is dignity. DW: One of the weirdest moments was when I walked into one of those public urinals and there was this kid with a handheld radio playing this music, taking a shit, and just looking at me.
PB: But we stayed at a five-star hotel.
DW: Throw that in there.
PB: Hey, I'm just telling people about how we roll, man. People need to know.
DW: Do they? Do people need to know that?
PB: Promoters, anyone who wants to book Woodhands, they need to know.
DW: That they can't afford us, that's what you...
PB: Pony up, man!
DW: I bought this in China. [Werb shows off a small toy dangling from his cell phone.]

What is it? Describe it to the people.
DW: You know how people get those cutesy things to attach to their cell phones?

That's a kitty-cat.
DW: This is a cute, sort of animated-type kitten doing this weird dance.
PB: It's called Sweet Private Savings Cat.
DW: Really? How do you know?
PB: That's what it used to say on the thing you ripped off. In China Dan found his inner eight-year-old, giggling Chinese girl, and she is lovely.
DW: [giggles]

Did you go on the internet while you were there? Internet censorship is a big issue with China right now.
DW: Yeah, I never got blocked. I went all over the place.
PB: How "all over the place?"
DW: All over the place for me is MySpace, Facebook and CBC. But this dude who was living there said that CBC was blocked for a while.
PB: We were model Chinese citizens.
DW: I was like, "I'll respect the wishes of these authoritarian masters and check my Facebook." Not a nest of dissent.
PB: We weren't there to ruffle any feathers.
DW: The thing is, Beijing is like 30 million people and it's relatively prosperous, I think. Where we were, at least, there seemed to be a lot of money, so it didn't seem like people had much reason to really hate on the government. But what was interesting was we got there right after the earthquake. The news about the earthquake in the west was not so much about the earthquake, but it was about how China handled [media] coverage. We were talking to a dude who worked in news who was saying that generally what happens is you get directives from the central government about what you can and cannot cover, like where you can and cannot go. That happened in this case. [The government directive said,] "You cannot go to this area." But by the time they had given that directive, all these journalists, all these people were already on the way, flying to the area and everyone was kind of like, "Well, fuck you, we're going to cover it. We're already here." And the government basically said, "OK," and let full coverage happen.
The funniest thing I saw — and this actually ties into the question — the one time we saw any military dudes was after our show at Star Live. We were just hanging outside this grocery store where, for two nights in a row, we drank beers. These military police walked by, these two dudes, and the one guy had this cell phone that made a police siren noise. So he was walking down the street and it was just going "Wah-ooh! Wah-ooh! Wah-ooh!" But it was just two dudes walking around.

Did you see any other weird souvenirs or anything?
DW: We went to this crazy mall where our manager was screamed at and Trevor [Larocque] from Paper Bag [Records] was chased down the hall by someone who was yelling, "I'll kill you." He haggled too low a price.

Tell me about the food.
DW: Fucking amazing. Greatest shit ever. I mean, I'm a Jew. I'm gonna throw that out. From Vancouver. And Jews from Vancouver are basically raised on Chinese food. It was like my Zion. I'm a Sino-Zionist, if you can believe it. But I'm not a Zionist. I'm a Sino-Zionist.
PB: Are you sure you want this on record that you're not a Zionist?
DW: Yeah, I do. You don't have to put that in the interview.

Well, it's probably going to be printed now.
DW: Come on. I hate it when bands get political. I don't want to get political.
PB: We love communism, we love democracy, we love dictatorships, we love fascism, we love all the political systems! We're apolitical, except we're universally political.
DW: OK, you can strike all that.

Yeah, you just said you love fascism. Tell me about the people that you met there. Did you hang out with any locals?
DW: There was this one girl named Lua who came to our show and really liked the band and interviewed us. She actually took us around the whole week.
PB: She works for what used to be Rolling Stone China. Now it has a new name.
DW: She was awesome. She showed us around and got us into the hip, tiny restaurants where you're in someone's living room. She took us for massages...
PB: She also got us a second show over there.

What was the name of the place where you did your second show?
DW: D-22.

What was it like?
PB: It's awesome.
DW: It's like [Toronto's beloved indie rock venue] Sneaky Dee's, basically.
PB: And the cool thing about it is that they're really supporting their local music scene at that place. On the walls are picture portraits of local bands that are sort of rising up. They're doing everything they can. They've got this whole roster of bands that they kind of view as D-22 bands that are sort of building a scene.
DW: And they're cool [bands].
PB: One of the best of them is called the Carsick Cars. They're totally amazing, like the Ramones: punky awesome. They love their punk rock in Beijing.
DW: The vibe there was definitely... we were so used to it. It was the same cool indie rock vibe that you get playing at all these places in Toronto and across Canada.
PB: But with their Chinese twist on it.
DW: Yeah. We should mention that we played with a duo of two Koreans who lived near the Great Wall, only dressed in red, and who performed the most insane noise music I've ever heard. She was like in a kimono or something and hopping on one foot.
PB: It's not to say that they're just being assimilated by western culture or anything. I think what you feel is the same kind of acceptance.

Was there anything aesthetic that you noticed was peculiar to the Chinese bands or the club?
DW: Here's what I think: Music is a luxury and the consumption of music is a luxury, so if you view it as a luxury good you get the feeling that it's something new, and people are excited about the prospect of consuming this new luxury good that we in the west have been able to consume for decades. Like, there was this one journalist who we were talking to who knows a ton about music and the evolution of music and who has a radio show. He basically set himself the task of educating his listeners about every movement in pop music since the '60s in a year, like for hours a week, for a year.
PB: I think what got me about Carsick Cars is they take that music and they just own it. They're not just copying it. I think there's an immediacy to it when you bring in all this western culture at the same time very quickly, as opposed to a gradual evolution.
DW: The scene is really open for that reason. Because maybe there is so much new music coming at them that it's all relevant.
PB: At the same time it's wrong to characterize them as being in the past. I hate bringing up the Ramones because it makes it sound like they're years behind. Everything is hitting at the same time.

Do you want to talk about Trekzac?
DW: The aim of this trip in a lot of ways was to create one multicultural world and I think we got this model from Star Trek, from the multicultural world that is the Enterprise bridge.
PB: But yeah, the Trekzac Festicon: good cause, September 27. It's a fundraiser for the Tranzac, which is a non-profit organization.
DW: Much like communism.

But what is it exactly? Tell the world.
DW: Let's just say that if you don't know what a festicon is you probably shouldn't come.
PB: It is basically a Star Trek mini-convention, the only 100-per cent pure Trek convention.
DW: It's a festival plus a conference.
PB: Trekzac being "Trek" and "Tranzac." It's all in one room with a full day of programming, 2 p.m. to midnight. It's bands. It's Star Trek games. Ask Guinan is a very popular feature. Guinan is there to answer your... well not to answer any questions, but to listen.
DW: Guinan never really answers shit. You can tell Guinan pretty much anything. This Guinan at the Festicon also often refers to herself in the third person.

Can we do an "Ask Guinan" right now?
DW: Sure.
PB: Well, Guinan has to start this.

[Werb disappears in a shimmering blue light and is replaced by Whoopi Goldberg's character from Star Trek: The Next Generation]

Guinan: Tell Guinan what's on your mind.

Guinan, I don't know what to do for a career. Music journalism is clearly not working out.
Guinan: Guinan thinks you've done a pretty shit hot interview thus far, so if you can replicate and just run with this kind of vibe, Guinan thinks you're going to do just fine.

[Guinan is teleported away and Werb returns]

PB: Wow, Guinan actually provided advice.
DW: Sometimes Guinan thinks that all people need is a kick in the pants.
PB: In any case, we've got hot bands. I don't want to drop any crazy names, but Woodhands, maybe. Romulan ale, Tribbles for sale, all kinds of shit.
DW: Maybe Klingons.
PB: Definitely Klingons coming.

Probably Dabo girls.
PB: Probably Dabo girls. A charity casino this year.
DW: What was that Klingon band that we couldn't get last year?
PB: Stovokor.
DW: Stovokor might play.
PB: Let's start the rumour right now. It's going to be shit hot and if you like Star Trek at all it's worth coming to.