We get that lot of musicians have chips on their shoulder. Probably most of them. And we sympathize that pop music has decided it needs a King, and that no amount of Queens will suffice seeing a dude banging out hits at sold-out Madison Square Garden shows. Fine. But Justin Timberlake’s allure is running on fumes and his borrowed style is uncompelling. Why bother getting worked up over his new album? Calm yourself with a few reminders of his awfulness.
1) He has “knucklehead” friends that mock the homeless
This is part of a video that was made to commemorate his six million dollar wedding to Jessica Biel. No, I’m not talking about Mitt Romney. In Timberlake’s apology letter following the public outcry, he referred to his friends as “knuckleheads” and not “human garbage,” which is pretty unacceptable.
2) This denim suit
How can anyone honestly say that fashion matters in the slightest when at one point in time, this was considered acceptable?
3) That movie In Time was awful
What if life was short and rich people ruled the world. Am I blowing your mind yet.
4) Fuck it, his entire movie career minus The Social Network sucked
He was great as the self-absorbed cad with rock star ambitions. Hmm.
5) He signed a goddamned rap rock band in 2011, then rapped to their rock
His musical instincts, the ones that hold the hopes of millions of pop fans, lead him to FreeSol.
6) The 20/20 Announcement video
I don’t care how much you think you love music, it’s not a goddamn struggle for you. You’re not Syd Barrett. You’re the “Dirty Pop” guy.
7) He wrote that insufferable McDonalds theme
Who cares about skyrocketing obesity rates when you’ve got a six million dollar cheque from McDonalds?
8) He has his own tequila
Timbs’ official endorsement: “901 is when the evening ends and the night begins” Do nights have to include projectile vomiting from crap tequila?
9) He wrote a song about meth addiction after watching a documentary about it
It’s impossible to take this maudlin shit seriously, especially if you’ve heard Frank Ocean’s “Crack Rock.”