Today The Academy Awards, a.k.a. The Daniel Day Lewis trophy hour, a.k.a. the show that allowed Billy Crystal to do comedy for three consecutive hours in 2o12, announced their nominees for 2013. But this year the Best Song category was somehow even more blah than the rest. Here’s our open letter to the Academy on the songs they should’ve chosen, if for no other reason than to make things at least a little bit interesting.
Sunny Levine and Asa Soltan, “No Other Plans” (from Celeste and Jessie Forever)
Look, Academy. We know you love some Randy Newman. But it’s the 21st Century and I’m pretty sure Newman’s using all that Disney money to see that he never dies. But this sweet synth-pop ballad actually kind of sounds like a melancholy Newman, and nominating it would have weakened the rumour that all of you cast your ballots from goddamned NURSING HOMES.
Nick Urata and the Candelabras, “Kiss Me Goodbye” (from Virginia)
Everyone wins with dusty saloon doo-pop! There might be a risk that the entire audience might get up and start slow dancing with each other, but isn’t live TV about risks?!
Rick Ross, “100 Black Coffins” (prod. by Jamie Foxx) (from Django Unchained)
For acting nominations, there was no way the brooding and subtle perfection of Foxx’s Django could beat out Christoph Waltz’s hickory dickory Magic White Man (also a great role, I’m just bitter as hell). We knew this. The only way he was getting on that stage was through a Best Song nomination for the slapping Rick Ross song he produced. And anyway, how satisfying would it be to see Rick Ross, decked out in furs and gold, take up two seats next to Goldie Hawn and Sally Field?
Beck, “Looking For A Sign” (from Jeff Who Lives At Home)
Jesus Christ, you guys had a chance to nominate BECK? Les Miserables was written like thirty goddamn years ago. Is there no rule that says the nominated songs have to be written in the same century?
Mike Shinoda feat. Chino Moreno, “Razors.Out” (from The Raid: Redemption)
Close your eyes and picture seeing members of Linkin Park AND Deftones at the 2013 Academy Awards. Imagine Mike Shinoda thanking Mr. Hahn ON STAGE. That warm feeling in your belly burning like Red Hots is your 8th grade self. Think of the closet nu metal fans, Academy.