I’m still debating whether or not to see the RZA’s directorial debut The Man With The Iron Fists. My love for almost everything he’s ever created is facing tough competition from the barren track record of most musician-turned-film directors. Let’s face it: most of them are totally crap at it. Just take a look at just a sampling of the deluded, creative miscarriages that get funded…
Prince, Under The Cherry Moon/Graffiti Bridge
The public tolerated Purple Rain the movie because it’s soundtrack was a front-to-back masterpiece. Then Prince got in the writer/director’s chair for both Under The Cherry and Graffiti Bridge, and proceeded to expand on everything that was awful about the filmic experience of Purple Rain, which was pretty much everything that didn’t feature a song. Though the Moon and Bridge soundtracks contain a couple brilliant songs like “Kiss” or “Thieves In The Temple,” they aren’t enough to cast light on the shadows of their awful movies.
Fred Durst, The Education of Charlie Banks
If you’ve ever doubted that Fred Durst’s true passions lie with Limp Bizkit, watch his directorial debut. The best thing I can think to say about it is that it features future Oscar nominee Jesse Eisenberg delivering a very Jesse Eisenberg performance. The trailer features a lot of repressed white dudes beating each other up, which probably wasn’t that dissimilar from a Limp Bizkit show.
The Material Girl’s sorta biopic of the maybe Nazi-sympathizing Wallis Simpson was met with the same amount of enthusiasm that her new music receives: zero. The movie cost $29 million to make, and recouped less than $1 million at the box office.
Rob Zombie, House of 1000 Corpses
Aside from being the best possible name for your Wi-fi connection, Rob Zombie’s directorial debut doesn’t serve much purpose. Filled with anachronistically unsubtle cruelty, it’s a punishment for the sake of punishment, and as a result, totally banal. In short, it has NOTHING in common with “Living Dead Girl,” which still rules.
Bob Dylan, Renaldo and Clara
Have I actually seen this one? Hell no. It took me years to get over my resentment of three hour plus movies to finally watch Das Boot, and everyone LOVES that flick. But Renaldo and Clara clocks in at over four hours, and I can’t find anyone to coherently justify it’s existence to me, so I can’t imagine a scenario short of torture/a date where this would cross my retinas.