The World According To The Tijuana Bibles

10/18/02 5:30pm

by Aaron Brophy (CHARTattack)

We couldn't run our complete interview with those miscreants from the Tijuana Bibles in our September issue, so we figured we'd use the vast expanses of cyberspace for a more comprehensive session of polluting. Here, then, is what Bibles members The Crippler and Super Destroyer had to say about a number of important issue:

1) What the heck is "Operation: Hot Pants" all about?
The Crippler: "Operation: Hot Pants" is a hot rockin' instrumental on our chart topping Custom Made eight song EP on Holland's Tear It Up Records. It's based on a dangerous mission I was recruited for while I was mastering "The Ancient Oriental Art Of Instantaneous Death"™ in Japan last year. Basically, the leaders of the world's biggest and most influential countries noticed that someone was trying to monopolize the global hot-pant market, and were hoarding them in order to fix prices. Needless to say, with the help of the rest of the Tijuana Bibles, I cleared it all up just in time for summer and we're the reason we can all enjoy quality hot pants at a reasonable price today.

Super Destroyer: This exciting story will soon be expanded into a monthly serial cyber-comic strip which will be found on www.tijuanabibles.com. As the World's Oldest Drummer, and as an ex-Marine, I've taken part in many important world events in my time, including the Cuban Missile Crisis, the Apollo 17 moon landing and the historic Camp David meeting of 1979, but nothing comes close to my heroic role in Operation: Hot Pants.

2) Are there going to be hot pants involved?
Super Destroyer: No, we just like repeating the words hot pants a lot.

The Crippler: Yes, don't worry. There will also be an army of alluring yet dangerous bat women defending the bastard who's behind it all. Just wait 'til you see the panel when they take flight out of their mysterious hide-out cave. It'll be a truly chilling sight.

3) Will any of the band members be in said hot pants?
The Crippler: Maybe me, maybe Felina! Maybe Blue Demon! Who knows! You'll just have to check in to find out how it all gets sorted out.

4) Why do you feel you have to hide behind masks?
The Crippler: I'm really Corey Hart. Nobody likes Corey Hart anymore. Not even Corey Hart. We got Gowan on bass, Anne Murray on sax and the rest of the band are from Glass Tiger. That's why! There, I hope you're happy, you finally got it out of me!

Super Destroyer: Sonny Boy Liston and I are very proud of our roots. Glass Tiger is #1!

5) Another wrestling themed band, Bruiser Brody, says you guys are chickens.
The Crippler: I've never heard of them, so they can't be very good. As you may know, we are the "Cadillac Of Masked Wrestling Bands" and "The Champagne Of Lucha Libre Rock And Roll," so I think that that pretty much puts us on top in the ring and on the stage. Anyway, who's tougher: a "bruiser" or a "crippler"? I rest my case. I eat bruises for breakfast! Yum! What did I just say? Rrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Super Destroyer: Hey Crippler, the guys in Bruiser Brody? I kicked their heads right off two weeks ago in a Loser Leave Town match, remember? They've all moved to Vancouver to play in Matthew Good's band.

6) Any good stories about you shooting that video for "Custom Made Man?"
The Crippler: Well, we got the full star treatment and got a nice Winnebago-style trailer to chill out in between takes. We had some veteran Canuck wrestlers in the video and let's just say they weren't exactly small guys. They totally took over! When a 300 pounder wants your seat, you give it up! And you shoulda seen their faces when the catering service showed up with falafels for lunch — those pitas might as well have been filled with cat turds as far as they were concerned. Those boys is strickly meat-eaters!

Super Destroyer: We tracked down Waldo Von Erich, one half of the infamous Nazi-gimmick tag team the Von Erichs, and he brought two of his associates with him: Ike "The Crippler" Shaw and the Wolf Man. All three appear in the vid. There was nearly a riot in the truck when our Crippler met the "original" Crippler over who had the rights to the Crippler name. It's amazing what a retired wrestler will agree to for a chicken shawarma sandwich. Oh yeah, we also can't forget our Super Dancer, Gorilla Loco, and his unbelievable backwards wheelie on a mini-bike in the video. Thanks, Gorilla!

7) Were folks on the street looking at you all scared when you were walking around filming the video?
Super Destroyer: That's putting it mildly!

The Crippler: I think a lot of people thought it was some anti-corporate protest because the video was shot in the business district of downtown Toronto. We had a kind of a "Legion Of Doom" super-villain gang thing going on and a few people were clearly freaked at us running amok. I'm kinda surprised the cops never showed up! "Officer, there's a large man in a gold tiger mask freaking out at Bay and King! Hurry!"

8) What's the deal with the Wolf Man?
The Crippler: He's totally sweet, dude! The fur from his Wolf boots and Wolf loin-cloth were moulting and bits of the fur were all over the trailer and the set of the video. That guy is the real deal, man! He's got some of the coolest shots in the video and almost stole the whole show. He's primitive! I didn't understand anything he said all day.

Super Destroyer: He's 67 years old, and in his prime, he wrestled all over the world. At one point, Classy Freddie Blassie was his manager! How frickin' cool is that? He hadn't worn his ring attire in 25 years — it's amazing what a retired wrestler will do for a falafel.

9) Don't you miss The Gong Show?
The Crippler: I totally miss Gene Gene the Dancing Machine, that big black guy who'd just spontaneously come out and boogie down all the time. I never knew who that JP Morgan judge was though, and still don't 'til this very day. I sure don't miss her very much.

Super Destroyer: Two words — Lollipop Twins. Two 16 year old sisters whose act consisted of sucking on lollipops. Did they get gonged? Probably after the show heh-heh... what?!? What did you expect from a dirty old man?

10) What's the deal with you and the guy from Playboy?
The Crippler: Well, because I'm so handsome and I appeal to both genders equally, I was chosen to be the very first male pictorial for the magazine. But you know how these things go, it got all twisted around and the rest of the band ended up muscling in on the shoot and they ruined the whole thing. The pictures ended up being good enough for TJ Bibles promo, but Playboy rejected them. Thanks for wrecking my big moment, Bibles!

Super Destroyer: A Playboy photographer named Fadi Kheir somehow heard about the band, and flew in from New York City on his own dime for a photo shoot. They were taken in the boxing ring at Florida Jack's Gym, which is also the home of the Canadian Boxing Museum. Our guitarist Sonny Boy Liston began crying at one point, as all of his bittersweet memories came flooding back.

11) Are you guys some kind of perverts or something?
Super Destroyer: Yes. I invented Sex Dating.

The Crippler: Let's put it this way, do I do it with the mask on? Yup. Did I write a thesis on a little-known Dutch film entitled Funky Freaks 2: The Happy Dwarf? Yup. I believe that answers the question to your satisfaction.

12) Maybe that's why you're popular in Europe:
The Crippler: Oh yeah, they're all a bunch of little sickies over there! We fit right in.

Super Destroyer: I still get "thanked" over 50 years after I helped liberate Holland!

13) Speaking of popular, what do you think of all these fancy garage rock bands that the kids are diggin' these day?
The Crippler: Do you mean bands like "The World's Heaviest Surf And Garage Band," the Tijuana Bibles? Yeah, I think it's cool all the kids are diggin' it.

Super Destroyer: It's about time the kids got schooled, that's all I can say...

14) Do you think you guys could beat up, say, The Strokes?
The Crippler: Didn't that zitty little singer just break his leg or something? Not that he was ever much of a threat! It'd be like shooting fish in a barrel, my friend! The giant head on that bass player is a target nobody could miss and that would sure simplify zoning in for a nice frog punch!Super Destroyer: What's my name? End of story.

15) What about The Hives?
The Crippler: Hmmmmmm.... Aren't some of them kinda big guys? I guess it doesn't really matter much, now that I've mastered "The Ancient Oriental Art Of Instantaneous Death." Good luck singing again after that, Screamin' Pete! You'll be screamin' all right! Haaahaaaaa...

Super Destroyer: My answer to the last question is the answer to this one as well!

16) What about a clone army of Magnificent Don Muracos?
The Crippler: I think that would be a pretty exciting donnybrook, but I think in the end Felina Negra's patented claw move would make short work of them. Just for the record, I think everyone should have their own clone army. You know, for housework and stuff like that.

Super Destroyer: The only clone army I would fear is one made of up Abdullah The Butchers. Yikes!

17) We've noticed those college kids seem to appreciate the Bibles new record. Does that make you tingle in special ways?
Super Destroyer: Not as much as my pre-show drink of choice: Red Bull, Jack Daniels and Viagra!

The Crippler: An old groin injury I suffered in a horrible Cheese Grater Death Match against the Murdelizer in 1997 makes me tingle in special ways all the time, so I can't really tell.

Super Destroyer: We've been thrilled about the campus radio response to our latest CD Custom Made. It proves that Canadians have good taste!

18) What happened to the Phantom Pleasurer and Buddy Lee Roth?
The Crippler: The Phantom has gone on to design his own line of deluxe, upmarket sex toys full-time. I've seen them and they're all just variations on the old classic feather duster design, so he may be back yet!

Super Destroyer: As for Buddy Lee Roth, the band booted him out while on tour in Linz, Austria, after one urine-stained absinthe night too many. Since I was his drumming coach, I was his obvious replacement.

19) Talk about girls who wrestle with each other for a minute.
The Crippler: They are God's little gift to the world! It's not every ordinary, everyday plain Jane who can deliver a solid suplex, a competent schoolgirl pin, or a even just good old-fashioned tit punch!

Super Destroyer: Tit punch? Will they print that?

20) Anything else you want to say? You can be shameless.
Super Destroyer: Yeah — to all the Bible Thumpers across Canada that are always emailing, asking us to come play their town — be patient. We're working on it. Oh, and listen to TJBR — Tijuana Bibles Radio — each member of our band hosts their own radio show on our website at www.tijuanabibles.com!

The Crippler: And even though everybody is still swooning over our Custom Made record, get ready rock fans for our new three-song 7" blaster "Fiesta Siesta" out on Tear It Up Records in November. It's so good it makes me want to pull my pubic hair out.