CMW Special - The Smugglers

by April LabineThe Smugglers have been kicking around the Canadian music scene for almost 15 years, making music and mayhem at venues around the world.They stirred up a bit of controversy at Toronto’s Horseshoe Tavern some time back, when they had the audacity to steal a pair of pants from local sweetheart, Danko Jones. Lead singer Grant Lawrence defends The Smugglers' actions by saying, "They were just these incredible magic sex pants."
SmugglersDavid, Nick, Beez, Graham and Grant all took turns donning the fabled pants throughout their U.S. tour and each member experienced success with said pants in their endeavours to get laid. Lawrence explains that Danko’s pants are like the ring in Tolkien’s Lord Of The Rings."The ring is magic and powerful and evil all at the same time, kinda like Danko Jones’ pants," Lawrence says. "And once someone touches the ring, they want to keep it forever — like his pants."Well, the pants were returned, then in a catastrophic staged "dramatization," Lawrence destroyed the enchanted pants in a tug’o’war with the rightful owner."(Danko) freaked out, grabbed the microphone and was so angry the only thing he could say was, ‘Let’s jam,’ grabbed the guitar and burst into song because that’s how Danko purveys his anger… through music." Lawrence says.The adventure has since been commemorated in a Smugglers song, entitled (strangely enough) "Danko Jones’ Pants."If this all hints of greater debauchery, it's because it's true. The Smugglers are all about adventures on the road.Lawrence suffered from a messy multi-orifice explosion after eating tainted Thai food in England during their last European tour."When that’s happening and you’re in some stranger’s apartment and you shit on the person’s feet as he walks into his own washroom…" Lawrence painfully reflects. "That’s the gag of that story… The shit hit the fan… literally."Lawrence ended up delusional and dehydrated in a Welsh hospital while his fellow Smugglers were forced to go on to the next gig without him. However, the two-tiered health system in Wales had Lawrence stuck in the poverty ward with the drunks and weirdos."It was like being in Vancouver’s drunk tank on a Saturday night," he says. "It was awful, but it won’t stop me from touring again."It will, however, stop Lawrence from ever touching Thai food again.The Smugglers have also managed to live through many unpleasant, messy, scandalous and freaky experiences. The fact that they have always been friends before anything else has helped keep them together over the years. Lawrence says that he’s astonished when he sees bands that don’t seem to have the same dynamic. When touring with The High Fives, The Smugglers were shocked to see the other band travelling in their van, listening to their walkmans rather than engaging in silly tour van antics."We’d pass them on the highway and we’d, like, be pulling our pants down and we’d be drinking beers in the car, or as we call them, ‘road Cokes’ and it looked like they were on their way to a funeral."The Smugglers relish those trips in the van. They enjoy each other’s company and it’s visible in their spirited stage-shows. However, Lawrence laments that they’ve been trying to abandon their legendary dance contests for years, something that would probably start a riot amongst fans."Quite frankly, the guys are sick of it," he admits. "We’ve given away these trophies since May of ’96… hundreds of hundreds of these used trophies of every sport imaginable all over the world."Chances are they’ll be giving out hundreds more in the years to come, whether they like it or not.Another seeming integral part of the Smuggler experience seems to be booze. So, do The Smugglers have any drinking wisdom that they can pass on to their less experienced, less cultured fans? Always drink with people you like, stick to one type of drink and avoid draft beer like the plague because you don’t know what horrors lay waiting in those tap lines."But the best drinking advice from The Smugglers is, don’t drink," Lawrence says. "Find your high through… drugs. No, I’m just joking… through natural… you know… whatever."The Smugglers will be playing the Chart/Horseshoe Tavern showcase of Canadian Music Week on March 1 in Toronto, Ontario. They hit the stage just before 1 a.m.